Sunday, November 27, 2011

Liars are thieves.

A lot of people have asked me what caused the dissolution of my marriage. A lot of people are nosy, I guess. But if I'm going to share here and on my Facebook page about going through divorce and starting over wonderful, I probably should explain, at least partially, how my fairy tale turned into a nightmare in just about 2 years flat.

Going into the relationship, I already knew the STBX struggled on and off with drinking issues. I naively thought that my love for him and my strength was enough to keep it under wraps. Especially since we broke up years ago for about eight months total time and he had gone above and beyond during that break-up to convince me that I would never again be made to feel like alcohol was more important than I was ever again. Us being together was the second chance; the second time around. I thought those demons were behind us. I thought wrong (obviously, duh) and I learned through our engagement and into the first part of our marriage that the drinking and the issues surrounding it were just the tip of the iceberg.  Yes, I'll admit now that I had doubts while we were still engaged. There were red flags and I stupidly ignored them. I made excuses for him and for myself and I carried on with wedding plans despite it all. I was an idiot and fell prey to almost every rationale in this article as to why I got hitched anyway when I should have ditched.  

The biggest problem in my marriage, that I can see anyway from my perspective (because of course, there are two people in a marriage and there are two sides to ever "story"), was that the STBX was a stranger to the truth. He was a liar and a manipulator. He played with me, for more reasons that I'll probably ever know. Most of all, it was because he was selfish. And probably also because he wanted to have some sort of control over me, the natural type-A controller. He lied to me about everything in the end. He would lie to me about things that were important (like where half of his paycheck was going and what credit cards he was opening without my knowledge) and he would lie to me about things that weren't important (like what he had had for lunch that day). The "iceberg" we were standing on together was a melting rock of lies that melted out from under us as time ticked on. And granted, with every lie uncovered my need to chip away at the berg some more in a desperate attempt to find any bit of truth I could just grew and grew until I became a police woman in my own home. It brought out the worst in me and was fuel to whatever dysfunctional fire existed in me. It made me crazy. It made me think I was going crazy. It made me lose sense of reality and my sense of self. And it made me angry. It made me so angry, I started to wonder if I would ever be happy again since the anger was all encompassing.

The STBX and his lies stole from me. Stole my confidence in both the life we had built together and in myself. Took away any ounce of trust that ever existed between us and replaced trust with suspicion, doubt and paranoia.  Because that's what a liar does. A liar is the same as a thief except what they are ultimately stealing from you isn't material, it's emotional. It isn't physical, but instead is only your perception of the physical and actual.  A liar steals reality from you and holds it in the web of deception they spin around you until you are lost in a sticky mess to the point of no return. Until you don't even trust yourself or your own emotions.

Liars are thieves.

6 comments:

  1. You would probably really relate well to Livvy at Improvised Life (on my blogroll). She is going through a breakup with a man that was a similar liar type. Lying is so tough to deal with, it is definitely a dealbreaker for me. I am sure this was a tough blog to write, but I commend you for it. Onward.

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  2. Thank you. It was hard to write. It was hard to live through. I will have to check Livvy's blog out. Is she on twitter?

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  3. Yep, she is - @livvyospry. Blog: http://improvisedlife.wordpress.com/. (she is also divorced btw)

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  4. Thank you! I love your blog, btw. You are awesome.

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  5. I can definitely relate. I think I became paranoid that everything was a lie...

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