Friday, November 18, 2011

No longer lonely

I came the realization this week that part of why I'm "doing well" or "better" so soon into the separation phase of my divorce is because even though I am alone (romantically, anyway) I am no longer lonely.

In my marriage, I was so incredibly lonely towards the end. Why is that? I'm not really sure and I don't know if I can define it, but I'll try. It is hard to describe or even define loneliness because not only is it subjective, but its also relative.  Even though most dictionaries broadly assert loneliness as being synonymous with feelings brought on by a person simply being alone, most psychologist experts would more specifically define it as a subjective deficit in the quality and/or quantity of social relationships resulting in unpleasant feelings such as a gnawing or aching distress and dissatisfaction of attachments or lack thereof. And I'm pretty sure that feelings of loneliness are intricately linked with a depressive state for the person who is feeling lonely.  Like the two feelings, although distinct, overlap one another.

The relationship I had with my STBX became so dissatisfying that feeling lonely even when we were together all the time became the number one emotion I experienced on a daily basis. Since he was lying to me regularly, the lines of communication started to fail and I didn't trust him any more. Not being able to trust him, made me feel more alone than I ever felt in my life. Not being able to communicate with him, made me feel alone. It got to the point where he would look me in the eye and lie to me, and I would immediately know that he was a million miles away, and I would feel the loneliness just wash over me in a way that the ocean tide does when you stand at the water's edge, feet dug into the sand, kind of stuck there on the edge of the world with nothing out in front of you but empty water.

My STBX was a classic procrastinator, manipulator and blamer who never kept his word. He would say what I wanted to hear to appease me, but then hardly follow through with reliable actions that matched up to his words. He was insincere and it compounded my loneliness.

Now that I have left him, I am alone in the world with just my son and my dog in the day-to-day, but I don't feel lonely. Probably because I have walked away from a marriage where the actual quality of the relationship we had didn't line up with my expectations or dreams for that relationship. I am not disappointed on a daily basis because the only person I rely on for fulfillment right now is myself. I cultivate the quality of my relationship with myself and I am satisfied with all that I am doing to start over wonderful. Wonderful and anything but lonely.

5 comments:

  1. I think there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. Absolutely agree with you. I am so glad you aren't lonely anymore. That speaks volumes.

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  2. You are in a good place. Beautiful.

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  3. Thanks. I am still sad and in pain, and I am often angry or bitter, but those feelings stem from other aspects of my separation and impending divorce. Not from feelings of loneliness.

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  4. That's great that you're getting over feeling lonely. It's wonderful, much like the name of your blog =)

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  5. Thank you! There are a lot of other emotions that need dealing with (both good and bad), but I'm not going to rush the healing process. Just trying to take it one day at a time <3

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