Tuesday, November 29, 2011

When you're jealous of your married friends,

... tell them. It brings humility to the situation and will prevent you from seething with resentment.  If they love you and are close friends that you can count on, they'll understand and love you even more for your honesty.

Within a year or so of my engagement, two of my close girlfriends had also gotten engaged. Our weddings were within the same time frame two years later. We all had babies soon into our marriage; all three of us had boys. You could call us the three musketeers, but we were never all "buddy buddy" like that and we each live in a different state. I'm actually surprised that I've been able to maintain a solid friendship with them given the distance issue.  I have ADHD and maintaining friendships is not my strong point normally, let alone when there are hundreds of miles of physical separation involved.  It's not that I'm an inconsiderate bitch or an un-loyal confidant, I'm just absent minded and tend to live in the moment. If you aren't in my face on a regular basis, literally, I struggle with maintaining meaningful contact. Normally. But not with these girls and maybe one or two other select individuals in my life.

Anyway, both of my good long-distance friends are now pregnant with baby number two. I've known about one for awhile (she is due in March) and I just found out about the other this morning (she is due in July). While I am incredibly happy for them both and extend congratulations sincerely, my immediate reaction to hearing the news each time was for my eyes to turn green with envy and then fill up with tears.

The root of jealousy is fear, I've been told ... so I guess I should just sit down and and say outright that I am freaked the f* out about my future. I don't know when or even if I'll ever have another baby. And that scares the crap out of me. It is what I am most angry and disappointed about when it comes to the abomination that was my marriage. I am trying to start over wonderful and I know that in order to do that I must try to remain positive and trudge onward and upward. But I sometimes can't help it if my brain turns to a mush of nothing but toxic-thought soup.

I was an only child until I was seven. My two siblings, that I love dearly and that I don't ever think of as anything BUT my full-fledged sister and full-fledged brother are in fact, my half sister and half brother. We have different fathers.  Growing up, I longed for a sibling closer in age to me because not only was being the built-in babysitter a total drag, but I was lonely and sometimes resented that they had a Dad and I didn't. Because of all that, I never wanted C to have such a big age gap between him and any future siblings. And I definitely didn't bring him into this world thinking that he would be from a broken home someday. The STBX and I were going to start TTC baby number two this spring, but that plan blew up in my pretty little face before I even tracked a single ovulation cycle post breastfeeding. I actually just found the charts I had printed up from babycenter.com the other day while unpacking some more boxes in my office and I promptly sent them through the shredder.

I feel like I've been cheated out of my dreams for both myself and C. It sucks royal monkey butt and I am scared.

I'm also nervous and apprehensive about what will happen to my friendships with all of my married friends. With the announcement of a second pregnancy and hearing about other friends doing other married-life things, I'm forced to wonder where I will stand with such people as their lives continue to evolve in holy matrimony while I start over as a divorced single mom. It is almost like trying to stay friends with the childless after you've had a baby. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out if you're not on the same page with people.

7 comments:

  1. Thank you! I make progress with this starting over stuff and then WHAM get smacked back a few hundred feet with some triggering event that.

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  2. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make that fear go away. But know you are surrounded by love and support!

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  3. I think this feeling will wane. I was feeling the same way so fresh after my separation. It just was one more constant reminder. But eventually, I think you will find you'll fall back in step with these friends and if not, then sometimes friendships evolve and change and end and that's ok too. Take your time, step back when you need to and know that it's ok to feel what you are feeling!

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  4. I just love being a Mom so so so much and I am terrified that I won't have any more because of all of this ... I am so not ready to date, and don't see myself dating at all. So, it is not in the foreseeable future and I am a planner; I don't like not having a plan.

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  5. I understand the fear, and I can understand your concerns about the how, whens and ifs of baby #2. That would make me really anxious, so it sounds like your reaction was totally normal.

    I think you are more than entitled to a mourning period. The dreams and plans we have - especially where our babies are concerned - are worthy of taking a moment and really mourning while you come to terms with it.

    <3

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  6. I am in total mourning over the loss of my hopes and dreams for the future. When I think about the loss of my actual husband, I feel lots of different things with the number one emotion being relief that I'm no longer with him. There is no grief over the loss of him per se, just over who I thought he was.

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