Thursday, January 12, 2012

Learning My Truths, Episode 1

Learned truth: when it comes to dating, multitasking is not for me.  

By the way, it should be baseball season already.
Photo credit: Werner Kunz
You may have noticed from my previous post, I'm sort of into someone (affectionately dubbed, "Mr. Handsome"), as hard as I may have tried to pretend otherwise since we first met over two months ago. Instead, I tentatively entertained that whole idea of "playing-the-field".

As I ventured out into the game, I noticed that I was hesitant and that I kept Mr. Handsome on my team as not only a player, but to me he was the MVP. Needless to say, it took me a few weeks to figure out what the hell game I was even playing and why. Oh, and how badly I sucked at it.

It took time and circumstance ... a couple of dates with other players, getting through the holidays with C, managing a few co-parenting ring-dingers with the STBX. Then, all of a sudden, New Years came around and I found myself overwhelmed, exhausted and only really wanting my self-proclaimed MVP to be the one that I lay down and take a time out with.  It was as if I became momentarily delirious from sleep-deprivation causing my sub-conscious to find a voice loud enough for me to hear. I heard:  Newsflash! This just in from the farthest depths of your brain: you are horrible with multitasking most of the time, so what on earth would make you think you could successfully apply that concept to dating as a single working Mother with a very busy life? Are you stupid? Haven't you learned anything in your almost 30 years? Jeez Louise! 

Upon realizing these truths, thanks to that voice in my head, I immediately accepted them. I didn't fight them or stuff them back down where they had been hiding since puberty. That's what growth is all about, isn't it?

Photo Credit: Jonnie Write, theunsecretshopper.com


Not long after this epiphany, I informed anyone that may have been interested that I liked Mr. Handsome enough to know that I should only be pursuing him for the time being. I reasoned it would serve me best to only focus on one thing at a time right now. I thrive when I can take it one thing, one step, one event at a time. I owe it to the starting over wonderful aspect of my life to not only embrace who I am and what I am capable of, but also what I am not capable of. There's also the whole limit of my free time to consider too and, let's face it, squeezing in anything meaningful with one person is going to be a juggling act all on its own.

I am so proud of myself for realizing my truths, accepting them and not pretending to be someone or something that I am not. I feel ridiculously satisfied and at peace with myself having officially quit the play-the-field dating game conundrum for good. It is just not for me. I am not suited for it.

Oh and telling the other players, prospects, suitors; whatever you want to call the whole two of them ... well, it was the first time in my single life, both before and after the failed marriage, that I have ever been outwardly open and honest about where I stood with potential suitors in the dating game. In my past, I usually tried to entertain and captivate any and all suitors because a) I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, b) I never really knew what I wanted, so having multiple options usually boded well for me and c) I had zero self-confidence and enjoyed the superficial validation that playing-the field often provided.  I would pretend to be a carefree player, but faltered in my swagger so badly it is no wonder that I usually ended up thrown from the game swiftly with multiple errors on my record.

I look back on past dating experiences and just have to laugh at how young, naive and stupid I was. Where was my backbone?

I needed to go through what I've been through in order to grow one, I guess.

For the record, I am not saying that I only want to pursue Mr. Handsome and no one else because I am in love. Right now, it is too soon to be sure of anything I'm feeling ... except maybe that I'm a bit smitten. You know, that phase in the beginning of something-quite-possibly-amazing when you walk around grinning at nothing and no one at least twenty times a day? Still, I don't naively believe he is "The One" in the same way I mistook the STBX to be 7 years ago. I'm too guarded for that these days.  But our connection and chemistry does make me think that fate had something to do with him coming into my life when he did. It's not serious yet, but it does have serious potential.

If I am wrong and it doesn't work out, I will be disappointed and even a bit sad all things considered, but I will be okay.

"Everything happens for a reason" has got to be one of the few cliche's I wholeheartedly believe.

4 comments:

  1. I agree! Everything does happen for a reason!! Enjoy this while it lasts (not saying it won't) but there's no time like today to embrace it for all it's worth!

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  2. Thanks. I plan on it. One step at a time. :)

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  3. You have to grow a backbone...so true, on needing to experience stuff to really do that. I totally agree. I have much more of a backbone now, post-divorce, than I EVER EVER did before!

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    1. My whole life I thought that other people in my life are what gave me "backbone". My parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and significant others. Now, going through all of this, I know that MY backbone is the only thing I have holding me up so that I can stand on my own. Me. My will, my strength. My willingness to look fear in the eye and stand up to it saying "No, I will not live any other way but happy and I will cultivate that happiness no matter what it takes". The only true backbone a person can have is their own. That's truth.

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