Saturday, January 14, 2012

Need a bit to process

... this has to be the hardest day yet as a single (almost divorced) mom.

I dropped C off for his first visit with his dad this morning and then I cried like a baby most of the way home. [The visits for this weekend were informally set up and agreed upon, by the way, and doing it this way totally against my wishes from day one  ... but, I'm just following advice for my legal representation.]

It didn't help that C threw a fit when I left and I could hear him screaming as I shut the door behind me and walked to my car. My heart cracked as I was leaving him and then it shattered into a million tiny jagged-edge pieces as I drove away. He's not like that when he is dropped off at daycare anymore, so I knew that the tears and fierce leg gripping (I had to peal him off me) was a sign that he was distressed about being left there.

Hold on while I stop for a moment and try to breath more slowly. Hyperventilating right now won't help matters.

....

Done. Where was I?

Oh yeah. We have a court hearing to battle out the stipulations and contingencies for visitation next month. I'm supposed to be using the time this weekend that C is with his father to catch up on some work and to try to put more of the evidence together for the 15-page discovery request, a.k.a. fuckery and total BS, received from "the opposing counsel" last week. You know you have some serious shit going in in your life when you get formal documents sent to you with those words in the "From" field of the cover letter.

Instead, I can't concentrate. On.Anything. I put a cup of tea on, forgot about it, and then once it was nice and cold remembered it sitting there waiting for me.

That's when I decided to come here and vent. This post is not thought out, it's just me rambling and trying to process my feelings. I don't think I'm getting very far.

I miss my baby. After him being at daycare all week long, Saturdays are suppossed to be OUR time together. Mommy and C-Man time. We snuggle under the blankets in my bed and play peak-a-boo. We have breakfast together. We play.

I miss my baby.

And, to make matters worse, I'm constantly having to remind the STBX that our son is just a baby. You would think you wouldn't have to remind a child's father of such obvious truth, but in my case I do.

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through all this trouble. It is heartbreaking to read.

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad that C is finally spending some time with his father, after 3 long months of not seeing him. But, at the same time, I worry because there is no court order in place to protect anything or anyone. In my opinion, there is no agreement until a judge orders it that way. Right now, the STBX can drink/smoke, be late, not tell me about things, change plans last minute, take our baby wherever he wants, be alone with him (the list goes on) and there is really nothing I can do to stop him. :(

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  2. ((hugs)) it sounds like a really tough day. I hope you were able to get through it okay, and that things with the divorce proceedings go as smooth as possible. You deserve a bit of a break I do believe. hang in there.

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    1. Just wanted to hit you back before I went to bed. I went to that party tonight and I rocked my sexy single self, in my new red dress despite having Mr. Handsome cancel due to his child catching the puking plague. And it was FAB. Totally got some great material in my realizations being there solo in spite of it all ... and possibly, some starting sort point for some of the "celebrate" page you asked me to write via e-mail. Whoop Whoop!

      Tonight totally made up for my crap day.

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  3. H, I came across your site through SingleMomgSurvives.com. :)
    I too went through a divorce 4 years ago. As well as a separation prior to that, then getting back together, then finally the divorce. Toughest few years of my life. I lost 10 pounds on the divorce diet too. Even if you know it's the best thing for you and your family, it's a torture getting through it. But, I will tell you this... it will get less hard. It's never easy, but you will get to a new normal. It will get better.

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    1. Oh, thank you for stopping by my page!! That's awesome that you found me through SingleMomSurvives (love her!) ... I hope you'll continue to follow my posts and offer some insight for me since you've already been there and more than likely know way more than me. Feel free to sign up via e-mail or follow me on twitter @OverWondeful

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  4. Bah...I am sitting at my desk crying. I miss my baby, too, and he's just at daycare. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Know that C-man loves you so much and would probably rather be with you, anyways. But you are doing the right thing by letting him have time with his father. Tough as it is. Hang in there.

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