... this has to be the hardest day yet as a single (almost divorced) mom.
I dropped C off for his first visit with his dad this morning and then I cried like a baby most of the way home. [The visits for this weekend were informally set up and agreed upon, by the way, and doing it this way totally against my wishes from day one ... but, I'm just following advice for my legal representation.]
It didn't help that C threw a fit when I left and I could hear him screaming as I shut the door behind me and walked to my car. My heart cracked as I was leaving him and then it shattered into a million tiny jagged-edge pieces as I drove away. He's not like that when he is dropped off at daycare anymore, so I knew that the tears and fierce leg gripping (I had to peal him off me) was a sign that he was distressed about being left there.
Hold on while I stop for a moment and try to breath more slowly. Hyperventilating right now won't help matters.
Done. Where was I?
Oh yeah. We have a court hearing to battle out the stipulations and contingencies for visitation next month. I'm supposed to be using the time this weekend that C is with his father to catch up on some work and to try to put more of the evidence together for the 15-page discovery request, a.k.a. fuckery and total BS, received from "the opposing counsel" last week. You know you have some serious shit going in in your life when you get formal documents sent to you with those words in the "From" field of the cover letter.
Instead, I can't concentrate. On.Anything. I put a cup of tea on, forgot about it, and then once it was nice and cold remembered it sitting there waiting for me.
That's when I decided to come here and vent. This post is not thought out, it's just me rambling and trying to process my feelings. I don't think I'm getting very far.
I miss my baby. After him being at daycare all week long, Saturdays are suppossed to be OUR time together. Mommy and C-Man time. We snuggle under the blankets in my bed and play peak-a-boo. We have breakfast together. We play.
I miss my baby.
And, to make matters worse, I'm constantly having to remind the STBX that our son is just a baby. You would think you wouldn't have to remind a child's father of such obvious truth, but in my case I do.