Friday, March 30, 2012

Vulnerability isn't a threat or a liability

I refuse to believe that my recent dating mishap means that I should sit on the bench for the next however many months other people would like to box me into while I "lick my wounds".  Not to mention that I don't feel particularly wounded at all. I feel sidetracked. Like I lost my way for a bit and now I'm just getting turned back around to reface the direction that I started out trekking towards around the start of the new year.

Starting over wonderful.

In my opinion, part of being wonderful means allowing myself to be vulnerable and to stop looking at my own vulnerabilities as something I should be so afraid of that I shut myself off from the world of possibilities out there waiting for me.

I am okay with who I am so much that I am not afraid to show anyone my authentic true self. Isn't that required of a blogger? Of life, even? I am Phenom and although I may not be entirely "wonderful" yet, I am actively working on it in every area of my life. As a mother, as a friend, in my career and as a lover too. Putting any one of those areas on hold because of any one particular mistake or wrong turn that I've made while I try and figure out the right paths to take on this journey really isn't necessary for me currently.  I'm making mistakes, I'm learning from them and I will get where I am going soon enough because I have faith, I am strong and because I am open to being vulnerable.

I am a 30 year-old single mother who is anxiously awaiting the legal aspect of her divorce to be over and done with and who, in the meantime, has not given up hope that a better life is out there waiting for me. Actually, instead of just sitting around hoping for better things to just land in my lap if I'm patient enough, I am actively pursing that which I desire. Each day I aspire to live a more wonderful life than the day before because I know that my future includes a true, mature, experienced-based, real-life love. As a hopeless romantic, that is something I will never stop searching for until I find it. That is what drives me. Accepting that, owning up to that and living free from the fear of rejection or ridicule is what makes me wonderfully vulnerable.

"What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." ~ Brene Brown 

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The truth about the "other woman"

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My heart is broken. For being personally betrayed, yes, but it is also broken for people that I don't even know. My heart aches for them.

We all know that married men cheat. This is a given.

But do we ever really think about who exactly these men are cheating on their wives with? If we do, most of us assume it's with stalker, desperate women having low morals who willingly don the "home-wrecker" persona while holding on to delusional hope that their beau will leave their wife for them soon enough.

As a society, we hate the "other woman". That bitch! Who does she think she is? Could she be any more of a pathetic whore?

Even I've never really given much thought to any other possible scenarios. Until recently.  Until I unknowingly became the "other woman".  As alone as I feel, some internet research tells me that I am not. Alarmingly, almost 20% of women will unknowingly date a married man.

It is shocking. Just how many men are out there leading double lives? What the hell is the world coming to?

It has taken me two whole days to come out of the state of shock I've been drowning in since discovering that the man I've been dating since early January, that I've known since last November, is actually a married man who's been masquerading around as a single, sincere, hard-working father.

I'm seriously sick over it. And even though it truly isn't my fault that I was duped so horribly, I am still feeling so ashamed.  I also feel repulsed and disgusted to find out that the man I've been developing feelings for, that I've been intimate with, was actually leading a double life so perverse and twisted he can't be anything else other than insane.

I am not trying to belittle rape when I say this, but I feel almost as if I have been violated to that level somehow. I never asked to be the "other woman" and I would never willingly sleep with a married man. I feel entirely violated; I opened up to someone under false pretenses. Without knowing the whole story. While being lied to. It is just so utterly wrong and I don't understand the why of it at all. Again, the only thing I can think of is that the man is not right in the head and trying to explain insanity is pretty much impossible.

In a desperate attempt to do all I can to make right out of something so entirely wrong, I paid a chuck of money to an online PI the other night so that I could contact his wife. I stared at the background check and contact information for a good hour or so before I could muster up the courage to actually pick up my phone and start dialing. I was shaking so bad that I mis-dialed twice before getting the numbers right. Making that phone call was probably the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life, next to packing up everything I built for six long years with the STBX, along with our child, and leaving my own cluster-fuck of a marriage.

It turns out that the only working number that I was able to find was for a relative. In the end it doesn't really matter who it was that I ended up speaking with; I shared what I knew, what I didn't know and how I feel about all of it. I've also been able to forward along the e-mails that I have from him proving that I did not know and did not willingly participate in destroying a family.

I am not a home-wrecker. I did not want to be the "other woman".

I hope that one day I can look back on this experience and instead of feeling shame from being so thoroughly deceived, I'll instead feel peace in knowing that I did the right things in the aftermath.

"The most important human endeavor is striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives." ~ Albert Einstein 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

When you find out he's married

I feel like I've been shot in the head and my brains are splattered all over ...

Mr. Handsome? 

Douche Canoe numero dos ... 5 months after meeting him, and just over 2 months after dating him "exclusively", or so I thought, and I find out that he's a) MARRIED and b) a total head case.

I had thought that if I took it slow with someone, waiting it out as just friends first for awhile .. well, I thought that I would know enough about the person to be able to make a wise decision about whether or not I should get romantically involved. So, we met and I waited it out. I took my time. I felt out the situation with the STBX (he put up a dating profile, so that pretty much sealed the divorce-deal right there), I took my time with how I was handling all of that through the holidays and I even discussed the matter with my attorney.  I thought (mistakenly, obviously) that after two whole months of things being causal and that by taking the necessary precautions, well I friggin' thought I was carefully moving ahead with things; and so, as you all know, I opened up my life and heart. As far as I could tell, it had wonderful written all over it.

I obviously thought wrong.

He's fucking MARRIED.

How could I not know? 

Monday, March 26, 2012

Life's Truths from Phenom's Perspective

In honor of turning twenty-ten, I thought I would take a moment (um, actually this post took me weeks to put together, but "a moment" sounded nicer) to share a few truths about life, and about myself, that I've either already learned or that I am still trying my very best to both learn and understand.

I chose to list 13 "bits of wonderful truth" because I'm challenging my luck these days. Or lack thereof. Sometimes, I swear I'm the unluckiest person in the world (my Nana won't even scratch her lotto tickets near me because to her, I am the "kiss of death") but that's a different post for a different day.

Truth it took 30 years to learn:  
Phenom's Perspectives on this Wonderful Life

1.   Love is everything and it is mandatory. Love drives us, teaches us, molds us, changes us and is the root of our existence. You had better learn the matters of love to the best of your ability if you plan on thriving throughout your life's journey.  No one will ever really know answers to questions like, "Why are we here?" or "What is the meaning of all of this?" But if I had to take an educated guess thus far, we must love first or we will never even hope to understand anything. We must love ourselves, we should love others and, for some, we ought to love God or the equivalent thereof depending on what we believe.

2.  Coasting through is not an option, so pay attention!  Life lacks a road map, so take advantage of the information booths (read, lessons) scattered along the roads as you travel through. Don't just coast by with your head up your own butt. Make mistakes, wrong turns, circle around the same bad neighborhood once or twice if you must; but take everything in as much as possible with all of your senses and use your brain accordingly. Don't just keep moving blindly, letting good knowledge go to waste. Where and how far you end up in life's journey is not a matter of luck; you are the only one driving the damn car! Take the blindfold off, deactivate the cruise control and fucking navigate already! Lest you like driving around in circles endlessly and getting nowhere? 

3.   Play the hand that you've been dealt. Fate will deal you both blessings and bullshit subsequently taking your journey places you never really planned to go. I know, I know. I just said that you are the one driving the car ... but what about what happens around the car and to the car as you go? It really isn't what happens to you that matters; it's what you do about it and how you react. Make choices to either high-five that bitch named Fate, or beat her at her own game. Squirrel jumps out into the road in front of you and what do you do? Slow down and give the little indecisive rat all the time he needs to run back and forth five times before scurrying off to safety? Or do you just speed up and nail the sucker? Whatever you decide, the choice is always yours.  Don't deny yourself chances to effectively deal with whatever it is that is thrown at you as you travel along by failing to recognize your ability to make choices. 

3.   Life isn't fair. First you must accept this, realize there isn't much you can to do to change it and then freakin' deal with it already. Sure, you can make little bitty issues or conundrums in life have an as-fair-as-possible outcome or solution. But in the big scheme of things? Life is just totally not fair. Accept, deal and move on! As a parent, this is a lesson I will ingrain in my offspring from an early age; I've even contemplated making shit completely unfair on purpose, just so they get used to the idea sooner rather than later.

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4.  Heartbreak is not a death sentence. As mandatory as love is (see item no. 1), and as wonderful as it can be when its real or true, with love often comes pain. At least, sometimes. Especially when it is a mistake or just full of mistakes. Ultimately, I've learned that heartbreak will not kill me as much as the hurt, pain, disappointment and devastation of a love gone wrong may make me feel as if I might die while I'm going through it. I'm still here, aren't I?  Realize that when your heart breaks, that pain you feel is life reminding you that you are still alive; you're not dead and your journey isn't over.  

5.   What doesn't kill you will make you stronger only if you let it. Your other choices are wounded and bitter. As previously mentioned, the choice is there for the taking and it is yours and yours alone to make.  However, after trudging through shit most people are surprised to find that they don't automatically come out clean on the other side. I've been in that shit-covered state of shock a few times myself. Experience has taught me that you actually have to do stuff to rise up clean out of a pile of shit. You know, like take a shower? At least some effort on your part needs to take place. 

6.  Time is never going to be on your side, so spend it wisely and manage it effectively. Um, yeah ... I have ADHD, so this one is something I still struggle with regardless of how aware of its truth I really am.  But it is true. How else can you explain how time drags by at a snail's pace whenever you are waiting for something to happen, you're bored, restless and/or unhappy but then it flies by in a blink of an eye whenever you are enjoying something, busy, chugging along wonderfully and/or happy? Time also can stand still and fly by all at the same time, so figure that one out will ya? Time is not your friend. Speaking of friends ... 

8.  Friends will come and go and those few who are true will keep coming back so long as you do too.  A few good friends is all you need. Friendships, like all relationships, take work, time, energy, dedication and love and since you're only going to get what you put in with friends, don't spread yourself too thin.  When it comes to friends, it is more about quality rather than quantity.

9.  Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it. Ever. Be true to yourself, be who you want to be and so long as you are happy with your life and its direction, be on your way. Don't let other people's opinions and judgement take you down roads you don't want to go.

10.  Judgement is often an ugly hat to wear, but we all put it on anyway. We each have our own opinion and personal agenda, therefore it is impossible not to judge others around us as we travel along on our own journey. Most of the time, our judgement is faulty, misguided and hastily formed and it is only through experience (read, misjudging) can we learn to trust our own judgement enough where we can express it appropriately and only when absolutely necessary.

11.   Sex is more important than most people will admit. Why do you think sex sells? Because we need it and that is a biological fact. If more people would acknowledge this need, maybe we could start talking about it and dealing with it in a way that doesn't create shame, guilt, fear, molestation, rape and pornography and/or sexual addictions. Unfortunately, there aren't many people out there who openly talk about sex and who aren't ashamed of their activeness in getting it or not getting it. Few truly want to see less objectification and more education on what constitutes a healthy attitude about sex. Most are too busing judging other's sexuality (see item no. 10) or having miserably boring sex themselves to give a fuck. Pun intended.

12.   If you can't laugh at yourself, you're screwed (and not in a good way).  Life is absurd and most of what we do day in and day out is pretty damn ridiculous. If you can keep a sense of humor in the face of adversity, and have the courage to make light of your personality quirks, mistakes made and all those times you've tripped going up a flight of stairs you'll probably decrease your risk of heart attack or stroke and increase your overall level of joy.  I tripped over my own two feet in a department store a few weeks ago and knocked over an entire rack of purses with my face. As I picked myself up, I proclaimed "I just wanted to see if this thing could hold me up AND all these bags!"  My fellow shoppers within earshot cracked up right along with me. Sometimes, we are all stupid and we are even more so if we can't even laugh about it.

13.   Everyone has regrets and whoever says otherwise is a big fat liar. It is one thing to live in the past agonizing over your shoulda, coulda, wouldas. It is another thing to admit that you've made some mistakes and that you regret the consequences of those mistakes.  I have regrets and I've learned valuable lessons because of them.  I am more proud of my personal growth that's come about from acknowledging my regrets than I am ashamed of my many many screw ups.  

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A few thoughts about love

Tomorrow, I turn 30.  As a young girl, I always thought that by this point in life I would know exactly what real love was; I would be in it, married to it and having its babies.  I've since learned that the life you are meant to live has a funny way of upending all of your plans and expectations for living it.  And, after three decades on this planet, I still don't know everything there is to know about love.

In fact, I don't think anyone really can know all there is to know about love -- what it is, how to receive it, why and when to give it. I speculate that love not only drives us, but it also teaches us and we will forever be students to its lessons for as long as we are alive.

30 years, an absent father, one traditional "first" love, one love with the wrong person and the subsequent divorce therefrom and one beautiful baby later ... well, I think I finally know a little bit about love. I've certainly learned what it is not, when it is wrong and that it sometimes just isn't enough. I've also learned that I am not afraid of love, no matter how many times I do it wrong or it does me wrong. I believe in love. Always have; always will.

I've also learned that falling into it at 30 is a lot different than it was at 25. Or at 19. Years ago, I innocently thought love made things easy. Or at least easier.  It doesn't.

Love is as peculiar as it is complicated. When it is real, it won't look like you thought it would. It certainly won't look like it does in the movies.

In love, we don't always say the right things. Love doesn't give us magic powers to read the minds, or the hearts, of others and just because we love someone doesn't mean we can automatically empathize with them, know exactly how they feel or even how to react half the time.

Love won't always calm you down, ease your fears or chase after you if you run away scared. Sometimes it will, but sometimes it won't and you can't truly love if you always expect that it will without ever expecting that it won't.

Real love is not weighed down with expectations.  If you expect too much from love, you end up feeling utterly defeated when things don't match up with all of your best laid plans and what may start out as love gets replaced with disappointment.

Love isn't something you can plan for and it doesn't follow a plan. It isn't linear, from point A to point B, and sometimes how it starts and where it ends can't even be distinguished. And the why of it often can not be explained. Nor can its pace. Too fast for one person, might be too slow for another. Or just fast/slow enough.

Love isn't always simultaneous, mutual, fair or equal.

Love is both beautiful and messy at the same time. It makes us crazy when we fall into it and even crazier still if we fall for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time and/or with the wrong person. At the end of the crazy, it's often painfully devastating too.

Love is harder than most of us would like to admit and it takes more work than we are sometimes willing to give. It takes maturity. It takes doing it wrong over and over in order to learn how to do it right.

It takes action.

Love is an action. When it is easy and most importantly, when it isn't. Especially when it isn't even convenient, love is -- first and foremost -- actions carried out in light of what is felt in the heart.

Love is typically inconvenient, yet we can not live without it. We feel complete when we give it and when we receive it, therefore through experiencing it we know that it's worth it. Life is challenging enough without having to go through it feeling anything less than complete.

In the end, when love is real, it is everything.

What is real love to you? Or rather, what is it not? Have your views about love changed for you at all over the course of your life? Do you love more truly now than you have in the past? 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Breakup 101, Episode 3: Use the internet to expand your divorce support network

You know that saying about raising kids, "It takes a village", blah blah blah? Well, getting through the pain of a breakup (and then for some, the entirely draining process of divorce) could very well eat you alive if you aren't careful.  To start over wonderful and move on to bigger and better things, without losing your marbles and/or becoming poisoned with bitter, you are going to need a very large and multifaceted support system.

It takes a village to raise a child. Likewise, it takes a village to survive a breakup. 

To be truly honest and off-the-wall real with you here (there's no sugar coating this, despite my over usage of the word "wonderful"), you're going to need a mother effin' village, an army (or at a minimum, a protective force field to surround yourself with), a personal assistant, and an infinitely deep well of unlimited strength from which to draw from repeatedly in order to survive the divorce process in a way where you can come out on the other side thriving. (Oh, and a solid pizza delivery service and never-ending supply of red wine will also help too!)

Starting over wonderful is no easy feat. I pinky-promise using my own experience as a testament to how difficult it can be, despite my very best attempts to not get eaten, chewed up, swallowed, spit up or spit on etc.  I've made plenty of wrong turns since leaving the STBX five and half months ago (that's it!?!) and I have found myself lost on occasion, spinning around in circles more often than I care to admit and I have even spent days at a time here and there broken down on the side of the road in despair.

Still, I've somehow made it light years ahead of where I was in the months leading up to d-day, or the day I knew that my marriage was over.

I have my support system to thank for that.

People keep asking me how it is that I am surviving, let alone seemingly thriving these days, and I maintain that it is because I am loved and supported by many. It is because of my support system that I've been steadily moving forward towards achieving that "wonderful" I'm always talking about. I've taken huge strides to get where I am today and the progress I'm making is surely evident, not only to myself, but also to those in my life that love and care about me.

My friends and my family. 

Without them, this experience would have broken or killed me months ago. I would be down and out in a ditch somewhere. Dying. Screw thriving.

My friends and family are truly the rock solid foundation of my support system and I would not be making such positive progress if it wasn't for them. No way, no how. Without their love and support, I would be a hot mess hibernating for the winter in my sweat pants while stuffing my face with chocolate and drowning in my own tears of sorrow.  

[So, I hope that any of the aforementioned loved ones remember that as they read what I am about to say next!]  

Despite having such a solid support system, in the weeks and months leading up to d-day, I started using the internet to reach out for other areas of "support" because I was still in super-stealth-mode about keeping my marriage difficulties under wraps.

And, thank God I did.

Friday, March 9, 2012

In Defense of the Divorce Party.

Photo Credit:

As discussed already here, I am the type of person that will call you out if you piss me off.

Well, DWordDiva writing at -- you have thoroughly pissed me off this evening and I will not be able to go to sleep until I vent about it.  I tried leaving a comment on your blog, but something is wrong with your html or something and your comment form is beyond eff'd. Then, I was just going to e-mail you directly and call it a day, but I decided that wasn't going to be good enough because your response to being called out privately would probably be less than satisfactory.

So why am I angry at this fellow divorce blogger, this DWordDiva person?


For being unnecessarily judgmental and shallow, and for trivializing miscarriage in the process nonetheless, by posting this garbage titled, "Why having a divorce party is like celebrating a miscarriage".

It doesn't matter to me that the post has been up for over two years. It is up. It's there. It's available.

And the existence of it is just wronger than wrong.

Calling a tree a tree is not abusive.

I've been accused of being "verbally abusive" towards the STBX in recent e-mail correspondence with him and rather than just ignore that accusation completely, I've been thinking long and hard about if maybe I am or not. I'm not one to miss an opportunity to try and improve myself and, unlike the STBX, when someone criticizes me I tend to try and look at it as constructively as possible to see if there might be some truth in there that I can apply somehow to personal growth, development and change for the better.

So, after much deliberation, I'm thinking that calling the STBX a douche canoe when he is, in fact, being a douche canoe (on my blog, in e-mails with him, etc., but NEVER in front of our child, please note) is no different than calling a tree a tree. Or a door a door. Or a turd a turd. (Ok, you get it. I'll stop).

It is certainly NOT a form of verbal "abuse".

Calling the STBX out when he is being a douche canoe (asshole, jerk, ignoramous etc.,) by writing in an e-mail to him things similar to, "Your utter inability to cooperate and/or compromise and/or provide information so that this issue may be resolved as quickly and inexpensively as possible just proves, once again, that you are a selfish asshole", is not any form of abuse. At.All.

Nope, sorry. Not going to fly!

Instead, rather, it's called, telling it like it is. Stating the truth. Pointing out what's what. Reiterating the obvious.

Since he is a total stranger to anything that resembles truth, I guess I can sort of see why he is so confused.

It is not as if I am using such language without being provoked or for no good reason at all. No; it's after months and months of dealing with nothing but douchery dished out from him on a regular basis.

I believe that when all else fails when dealing with fuckery dished out from another person, one should continue to tell the truth no matter what. It keeps you grounded.

It gives you something to hang onto so you don't get sucked into the bottomless sewer of doeche that the douche canoe floats in.

So, when I've tried (picture banging your head against a wall for 5 long months) mediating through our attorneys, compromising, getting other people involved, doing most of the legwork for selling our house and managing anything to do with our divorce, providing every single bit of information and documentation I have that he asks for ... and he still can't compromise and/or cooperate to resolve a single issue without making me feel like dismantling a skyscraper with my bare hands might be easier  ... yeah, saying "You are, in fact, a douche canoe" is nothing but expected.

As professional life coach, Heidi Costas, writes on her website:

"[c]alling a jerk a jerk is as judgmental and negative as calling a tree a tree. 
It's not good or bad, it just IS"

My advice to him is this: stop being a douche canoe and I'll have no reason to state that you are one.

I won't hold my breath waiting for that to happen.  As he recently told me in an e-mail regarding my desire for him to please put his hatred for me aside so that we can effectively co-parent our young son for the next 18+ years, doing so would be a "waste of his time". And yes, that is a direct quote.

Douche Canoe. 

Editorial Note: This blog and the content therein is my OPINION unless cited otherwise. Just sayin'. The term "douche canoe" is no more fact based than calling someone any other opinionated insult. Thanks! Happy Blogging!!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

We are all narcissistic. We are not all disordered.

I recently read that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is slated to be removed from the newest edition of the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders", or DSM, coming out next year.  I guess the more we just accept that we're all just a bunch of jerks, the less need there is to try and change that?  If that is truly the case, that doesn't bode very well for who we are as a society.  That idea is rather frightening, so instead I would like to speculate that mental health professionals have finally realized that ignoring narcissistic people all together would be the most effective "treatment"?

Such a concept certainly has me intrigued. Especially since I am now both realizing and accepting that in order to start over wonderful, I really need to master disengaging from the STBX whenever possible.  If I want to not only survive, but thrive, this is fundamental for both my own sake, and our son's.

The STBX has never been officially diagnosed, as far as I know, as actually being narcissistic, sociopathic, etc. And I am not claiming to be a mental health professional. However, after years of putting up with his bullshit (read, lies and manipulation), combined with what I've learned with the guidance of our marriage counselor, I would confidently bet everything I have left that he is, at a bare minimum, personality disordered. Troubled. Messed up. Not right in the head. The exact problem that lies therein remains unclear; again, because I'm not a mental health professional.

Whatever he is, it isn't healthy.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

What breaks my heart the most

The current situation: Navigating Joint Custody with a Jerk.

Photo credit:
(This book is in my Amazon shopping cart, just waiting for me to scrape together the extra funds to actually purchase; yes, I am that broke these days)

Admission: I need to find a rest stop on this journey. Immediately.

I'm just about five months into this long-ass separation and frankly, I'm reaching my stress threshold and feeling very emotionally drained.  Having a STBX that is not only a douche canoe, but that is also completely uncooperative and unreasonable, is costing me time, money and emotional and physical strength. Time and money I don't have and strength I can not afford to lose.

There is no escape from the fuckery. Not yet, anyway. Wherever my wonderful future is, it seems very far away right now. Like a blip on a very far off horizon.

Given that the STBX is untrustworthy and manipulative, I anticipated our divorce being high-conflict early on in our marriage, well before I even gave leaving serious consideration. The fear of having to go through what I am now going through is undeniably what kept me hanging on to our broken marriage much longer than I should have. Thankfully, that fear was fleeting versus paralyzing.

Unfortunately knowing is only half the battle and, with the STBX, every single thing is a battle. I am trying to not let his douchery get the best of me (because that is exactly what he wants, let's not forget), but I seriously just need a fucking break from the insanity of it all.  What he is putting me through is pretty much what he threatened to put me through if I left him all those months ago, and for probably the first time in his life he is doing everything in his power to try and keep his word.

Why? One word: revenge.

By exhausting me through lengthy, costly, conflict over every issue, while he stonewalls, is uncooperative, dishonest and withholding of information, he is trying to ruin me financially and emotionally. This is his way of making me "pay" for leaving. Classic narcissistic behavior. Not to mention, disgusting and despicable!

The thing taxing me the most about it all? The issue keeping me up at night, at war with insomnia, despite being utterly exhausted?

Our son is not his father's number one priority. 

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

When you need to love yourself

If I loved him more ... If I love him enough ...

The preambles to the hopeless thoughts that ran through my mind all too often throughout my entire relationship with the STBX now make me cringe. Especially if I ruminate about where those preambles usually led.

If I love him enough, we won't fight so much. 

If I loved him more, things wouldn't be so difficult. 

If I love him enough ... he'll tune in, instead of tune out ... he won't drink so much or so often ... he'll stop lying to me ... he'll stop obsessing over pornography and start wanting me ... we'll share real intimacy ... 

If I loved him more ... he wouldn't treat me so badly ... he would stop blaming me for his weaknesses ... he will change ... he will grow up.

If I love him enough ... I might be good enough ... 

If I loved him more ... he'll start to love me. 

Sadly, I used to base a lot of my self-worth on how happy and satisfied my relentless giving made the STBX. My identity within our relationship, both before and after marriage, depended largely on my ability to prove my unwavering devotion, no matter how many times I was wronged, mistreated, lied to or taken for granted.  It was established early on, for a variety of reasons (some my own fault, some his), that this was to forever be my role for our lives together.  Initially, I found this role fulfilling and I was happy to pour everything I had into loving him, despite not even half of what I was putting in coming back to me, in either love or appreciation, on any regular basis.  If I wasn't getting the love that I wanted or needed from him, I would think to myself things like, "He will show me love when I love him more." or, "He will love me more if I love him enough".

I didn't realize that in loving him so much, I wasn't loving myself nearly enough.

Until our son was born.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Why, yes I'm perfect. Didn't you know?

My counters are never cluttered, I manage all of my financial obligations impeccably, my toddler only eats wholesome, organic, well-balanced -- and of course, let's be serious -- homemade meals, I never fall behind with laundry or housework (because obviously, I never procrastinate), I kick ass as a full-time patent examiner while being on fire with my photography and blogging extra curriculars, I have an amazing boyfriend with no problems of his own AND, what just may be the the very icing on my perfection-cake, I never get pimples and I have yet to sprout a single grey hair. I also have my divorce totally behind me emotionally and totally in.da.bag. in every other aspect.

I also never yell, make mistakes, judge people or say the wrong thing at the wrong time because I let my emotions get the best of me. My emotions never get the best of me.

I am the portrait of perfection.

Oh and not just at life, but at being a mother. Why do you think I left the douche canoe that is my STBX anyway? When you're perfect, you so obviously don't need a husband. Duh!

Please pardon me while I gallop off into the sunset of all that is wonderful, riding my high-horse of ... well, my high horse of delusion.

Enough already.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Phenom: Uncut and Uncensored

There's something terribly wrong with the family court system in this country. Just saying that here, on the public interwebs, regardless that this is my very own personal blog ... well, some family court judge somewhere will probably try to shut me down as soon as my inflammatory statements circle around to the right places.

My son: acting judge in a mock courtroom, just his size.
He knows something is eff'd up too, just look at his face!

To be the assclown that I so am (why oh why hasn't a font for conveying utter sarcasm been invented yet?), I'll even go so far as to allege that the family court system is not only unfair, corrupt and totally biased to those with unlimited amounts of cash, but it also seems to exist in its own little fairyland of a bubble within our justice system where "justice" is not served under the letter of the law as it is in other court systems in this country.  Divorcing couples are at the mercy of which lawyer has the judge in their back pocket and custody fights are so complicatedly crazy, I would need to write 100 more blog posts just to get started on the insanity of it all.  Then there's litigation abuse the court system is oblivious to, that narcissistic sociopaths are so very aware of and are using to their manipulative advantages ... and, you can forget about serving and protecting the "best interests" of the children. That concept is such an utter failure, it makes me sick to my stomach. But, I digress ....

Now, I'm new to this whole arena, as I have only been legally separated from the STBX since early October of last year (believe me you, this separation IS dragging on forever and a day and I think I might wither away and die if the actual divorce phase takes as long). I'm also totally inexperienced since we didn't fight over our custody arrangement (we have joint legal custody and I have primary physical custody, if you're really that nosy curious).  Instead, we agreed outright how to arrange the custody given the circumstances at the time.  We've actually only had one contested hearing to settle disputed contingencies for visitation, with a follow-up hearing now set for this June. That's it.

Accordingly, I really am a newbie on this subject and maybe, given that fact, I should just keep my mouth shut.

But I won't.

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