Friday, March 9, 2012

In Defense of the Divorce Party.

Photo Credit: darndivorce.com

As discussed already here, I am the type of person that will call you out if you piss me off.

Well, DWordDiva writing at darndivorce.com -- you have thoroughly pissed me off this evening and I will not be able to go to sleep until I vent about it.  I tried leaving a comment on your blog, but something is wrong with your html or something and your comment form is beyond eff'd. Then, I was just going to e-mail you directly and call it a day, but I decided that wasn't going to be good enough because your response to being called out privately would probably be less than satisfactory.

So why am I angry at this fellow divorce blogger, this DWordDiva person?

Why? 

For being unnecessarily judgmental and shallow, and for trivializing miscarriage in the process nonetheless, by posting this garbage titled, "Why having a divorce party is like celebrating a miscarriage".

It doesn't matter to me that the post has been up for over two years. It is up. It's there. It's available.

And the existence of it is just wronger than wrong.


First of all, I find the post shallow on the author's part for trashing people who decide to have a party post-divorce for whatever personal reason they feel is best for them and their situation.  Whether it is to surround themselves with friends and loved ones, for one day/night, merely to just have a good ol' time after going through something so, as acknowledged within the blog piece, tragic or whether it is, in fact, to celebrate their new lease on life after escaping the hell that was their marriage ... who are you to judge, DWordDiva?

It's almost like judging friends and family who, instead of having a traditional funeral service for a loved one that has passed away, they decide instead to throw a party to celebrate all the wonderful that was that person's life and how they feel blessed to have known them at all.

I've been to memorials for people who have died where everyone was somber, dressed in black and the ceremony was your traditional bleak, grey and mournful service or event. I've also been to memorials for people who have died, opposite of the "traditional", where the person who has passed on was celebrated with drinking, dancing, music, cake and the whole nine yards of what you would expect at say, a wedding or other happy event.

The fact is, at both types of memorials, it remained apparent to all that attended those events that they were there because someone had died and people were grieving that loss. It didn't matter how that grief was handled, head down or head up, so really, ... who are you to judge people who decide to throw a divorce party, DWordDiva?

Not to mention, the post basically alleges that everyone should view their divorce as a "failure" and that everyone should handle said "failure" the same.

I am not a failure. I don't view going through divorce as some sort of epic evidence that I have failed.  Did my marriage fail? Well, yes. But suffering the breakdown and failure of a relationship does not mean that the people involved in that mess are failures.

Also, everyone handles grief differently. And everyone moves on from grief differently. We are all different, as are our experiences, and how one person grieves and then moves on from that grief is never going to be the same as the next person. According to you, DWordDiva, the grief that often comes with divorce is best dealt with in private. Alone. No celebration or party or other type of positive support garnered in a happy and uplifting way.

Let me tell you, from personal experience, that is exactly how most of society still treats miscarriage and the grief thereof.

Which brings me to my next point.

Please do not trivialize miscarriage. Ever. 

Not only do I find you shallow, DWordDiva, for all of the above reasons, but I also find you particularly offensive. Why? Because I suffered a miscarriage early on in my marriage and your little analogy, metaphor, whatever ... is extremely hurtful.

Honestly, my STBX treated me very poorly while I went through my miscarriage and that was the first of many reasons that led to why I left him in the end. This divorce experience of mine is NOTHING compared to the pain and suffering that I went through when I lost that baby. Especially since I went through it mostly alone, without even the steady support of my husband.

I will throw a divorce party, damnit, because I don't think that I should have to conform to anyone's idea of how I decide to move on with my life.  But also, because it will be a way for me to not have to hide what I went through and it will be a way for me to literally reemphasize never feeling alone through all of it. I am currently surrounded by people that love me and that are cheering me on as I go through this life altering experience. Having a party to celebrate how far I've come, how I've turned lemons into lemonade, how I am not only surviving, but also thriving ... well, I'm sorry, DWordDiva, but I think it is fabulous and wonderful.

I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I am an advocate of that concept very much. I get that some people don't think divorce parties are "appropriate" because some people are just too judgmental for their own good. And that is okay.

What is not okay, however, is putting miscarriage in the mix with any published opinion on the subject of divorce parties. That, my dear DWordDiva, is just plain ignorant on your part.

25 comments:

  1. Hey - at your divorce party, should we go old school and throw a beirut tourney into the mix? You should never have any shame or guilt with what you are doing and what you have been through.

    Signed - the person who gave you the phrase, douche nozzle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! I am so going to play beirut. I have a dining room table big enough for it. I'll just buy a plastic table cloth, a few sleeves of red cups and some ping pong balls and OMG ... it will rock like a frat house does on a Tuesday (er, Thursday for those "normal" colleges) night.

      I don't feel ashamed because I'm getting divorced.

      But the guilt? Well let's just say ... you know that working-mom guilt you read about? Well, I have that hopped up on steroids now. That's a different post for a different day. *sigh*

      Delete
    2. Sweet! Bring back the good old WPI days.

      As for the working mom guilt, I can't imagine. I have the working dad guilt and that's just for my dogs. Having to work with a son/daughter is going to be an absurd feeling.

      Delete
  2. Ugh that blogger is just classless and stupid. I support your right to a divorce party 100%! In fact I think I should have had one, years ago. But now that I'm married again it's too late :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, hopefully you won't ever feel the need to have one again!

      And, anyway, if I remember correctly you "celebrated" starting over in a very profound way. Don't forget: Vaginas are for Lovers <3

      Delete
    2. And P.S. if this anonymous poster isn't who I'm 99% positive it is, I mean no offense. That vagina thing is sorta an inside joke.

      Delete
  3. Im coming to the party and ill bring the rummi bears!!

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  4. I tried to throw my friend a "Rebachelorette Party" when her divorce was final. (Fell through due to scheduling and her being 4 states away.) I guess that's really bad because not only are we celebrating the fact that she's single again, we're encouraging her to get back out there. Rock on, Phenom! And be sure to send me an invite to your fab party! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please shoot me a message on FB or via my gmail if I haven't already invited you!

      Delete
  5. Of course everyone has an opinion on the divorce party. And for everyone, their healing process is different. But to trivialize miscarriage, to your point, is going over the line. Absolutely agree.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm surprised more people haven't had more to say about that issue. I think the analogy or whatever is totally over the line! I understand that a variety of opinions are going to exist surrounding divorce parties, and whether they are empowering vs. pathetic etc., ... but to say throwing one would be like celebrating a miscarriage is just really insensitive to anyone that has ever lost a child.

      Delete
  6. "Why having a divorce party is like celebrating a miscarriage".... What kind of person even thinks this way ?? It's not only an insensitive thing to say, it's also just plain pathetic.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey! FOund you through my blog comments - I'm glad you found some inspiration in my post! I totally understand your frustrations in dealing with you STBXH

    To the topic of this post - a friend recently filed for divorce and a bunch of us congratulated her & we are definitely having a D-party. There are some instances where divorce is unfortunate, and in other cases - its the best thing possible. (in my opinion at least)

    Now about the post you referenced, I dont think thats an actual blog - but a repost from this site: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1244307/Why-having-divorce-party-like-celebrating-miscarriage.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing that other link! It really isn't important whether or not the people behind the blog I referenced and then the article you shared see/read what I have to say. I expressed my opinion here on my blog and that's really all that I care about. :)

      Delete
  8. Y'know she only expressed her opinion. You're over-reacting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Writing a blog post in response to a blog post expressing my opinion of what was written is "over-reacting"? That's a peculiar way to look at it, I guess.

      ... wanders off scratching head ...

      Delete
    2. I'm still confused. Have been thinking and it just struck me ... the original blog that I am calling out here is just an opinion, and the expression of her is OK (according to you).

      But my opinion on the article, basically on the opinions expressed therein, well my expression of such here on my blog equates to an over-reaction on my part?

      Err ... yeah, I'm lost.

      HELP I'M STUCK IN A LOGIC PUZZLE AND I CAN'T GET OUT!!!!

      Delete
    3. There, there. Don't worry your little neurotic head over it.

      Delete
    4. I am often the first to admit that I have a pretty healthy dose of personal neurosis. I am not ashamed.

      You, oh anonymous blog hater, are what may be defined as truly neurotic (as, many of us well versed in the blogsphere have come to recognize, that true trolls like you most often are).

      Neurotic? Well, as they say, it takes one to know one. You're either that or just plain nuts.

      I've been monitoring your activity here (page views, bounce rate, length of time/visit) and I feel like that information alone allows me to make the following observations.

      You appear to be a psychopathological troll motivated to participate here by psychotic delusions or compulsions. Or by a neurotic seeking of false self-esteem (evidenced by your attempts to remain "anonymous").

      The postings of a psychotic troll are unlikely to make any recognizable sense at all (as your so far don't).

      The neurotic troll either seeks to obtain false self-esteem by manipulating the reactions of others, or by demonstrating his "power" to destroy what others enjoy. The neurotic troll's primacy of consciousness soon becomes evident: rather than respond substantively to the actual claims and arguments in the articles and posts he attacks, the neurotic troll twists and spins whatever he responds to, into whatever he has "the perfect answer" to.

      I think you're both, psychotic and neurotic.

      If you are neither of those things, you will feel no need to defend yourself by commenting back and furthering this conversation. Only a psychotic neurotic TROLL would care enough to defend my observations.

      Happy trolling!!

      http://trollpolice.com/dont-feed-the-trolls/

      Delete
    5. See? You are neurotic! No wonder you attract the 'bad boys'.

      Delete
  9. <3 I can't stand when others compare miscarriage to anything. Losing a child, in utero or after birth, is like nothing anyone who hasn't lost a child can imagine.

    Spot on Phenom.
    I'll bring the jello shots :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly why I wrote this blog piece. Thanks for commenting, Cassi. Whether or not divorce parties are appropriate and what people think about that per se really wasn't my point (although, I did point out that expression of anyone's opinion on the matter either way was perfectly fine). My point was the whole inappropriate ignorance of bringing miscarriage in to the discussion. Unfortunately, for the less empathetic readers, that point went unnoticed. I'm afraid that if I tried to make my point any clearer, however, I may have crossed the line into over-reacting territory more than I already have? ;)

      P.S. Purple jello shots are my favorite. Mmmmm, grape!!

      Delete
  10. In response to your "troll hater", Phenom...I just love how, even after explaining what additional response means in a reflective manner about the actual person commenting, this person still can't help but post SOMETHING. I had to laugh. Some people's intelligence (or the trump of their mental illness over their own intelligence, whichever the case may be) is truly amazing...and perhaps just a tad amusing. Ha!

    Enjoy your divorce party, my dear. Anyone who can manage to successfully shed a douche canoe like your ex deserves a party and MUCH MORE!!!

    To the "haters" out there....No one asked you to read this blog. No one is making you. Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion and to express it, should you desire to do so, but really, what is the reasoning here? If you don't like what Phenom has to say on her own blog on a consistent basis, then here's a novel thought - STOP READING IT!!! If it's merely an occasional disagreement while normally enjoying the blog's conversation, then try to live by the motto - if you can't say something nice (and intellectual!!!!!), then don't say anything at all! Really, if Phenom wishes to be ridiculed and bitched at, she can just call up her ex. Your "assistance" isn't needed.

    ReplyDelete

Have something insightful or intelligent to contribute? Please do. A diverse variety of comments ranging from praise to criticism are welcome here, so long as we all play nice and refrain from hostile hate compounded by ignorance.

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