Thursday, March 29, 2012

The truth about the "other woman"

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My heart is broken. For being personally betrayed, yes, but it is also broken for people that I don't even know. My heart aches for them.

We all know that married men cheat. This is a given.

But do we ever really think about who exactly these men are cheating on their wives with? If we do, most of us assume it's with stalker, desperate women having low morals who willingly don the "home-wrecker" persona while holding on to delusional hope that their beau will leave their wife for them soon enough.

As a society, we hate the "other woman". That bitch! Who does she think she is? Could she be any more of a pathetic whore?

Even I've never really given much thought to any other possible scenarios. Until recently.  Until I unknowingly became the "other woman".  As alone as I feel, some internet research tells me that I am not. Alarmingly, almost 20% of women will unknowingly date a married man.

It is shocking. Just how many men are out there leading double lives? What the hell is the world coming to?

It has taken me two whole days to come out of the state of shock I've been drowning in since discovering that the man I've been dating since early January, that I've known since last November, is actually a married man who's been masquerading around as a single, sincere, hard-working father.

I'm seriously sick over it. And even though it truly isn't my fault that I was duped so horribly, I am still feeling so ashamed.  I also feel repulsed and disgusted to find out that the man I've been developing feelings for, that I've been intimate with, was actually leading a double life so perverse and twisted he can't be anything else other than insane.

I am not trying to belittle rape when I say this, but I feel almost as if I have been violated to that level somehow. I never asked to be the "other woman" and I would never willingly sleep with a married man. I feel entirely violated; I opened up to someone under false pretenses. Without knowing the whole story. While being lied to. It is just so utterly wrong and I don't understand the why of it at all. Again, the only thing I can think of is that the man is not right in the head and trying to explain insanity is pretty much impossible.

In a desperate attempt to do all I can to make right out of something so entirely wrong, I paid a chuck of money to an online PI the other night so that I could contact his wife. I stared at the background check and contact information for a good hour or so before I could muster up the courage to actually pick up my phone and start dialing. I was shaking so bad that I mis-dialed twice before getting the numbers right. Making that phone call was probably the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life, next to packing up everything I built for six long years with the STBX, along with our child, and leaving my own cluster-fuck of a marriage.

It turns out that the only working number that I was able to find was for a relative. In the end it doesn't really matter who it was that I ended up speaking with; I shared what I knew, what I didn't know and how I feel about all of it. I've also been able to forward along the e-mails that I have from him proving that I did not know and did not willingly participate in destroying a family.

I am not a home-wrecker. I did not want to be the "other woman".

I hope that one day I can look back on this experience and instead of feeling shame from being so thoroughly deceived, I'll instead feel peace in knowing that I did the right things in the aftermath.

"The most important human endeavor is striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to our lives." ~ Albert Einstein 


  1. You articulate your feelings so well. I hope you are able to eventually put this behind you and live a fulfilled life of happiness. You didn't deserve to be preyed upon by a mentally ill psycho. I hope she finds peace, she didn't ask for any of this either. Good for you for reaching out to her.

  2. I think you did good. You handled the situation well. Again, I am sorry for you, but it will get better. And now you know what to look out for also. Keep your chin up.

  3. You most certainly did the right thing. How devastating for all involved. The scary part is how you had no clue & what keeps it from happening again? Scary :(

    How much did the PI cost?

  4. I am again so sorry you are going through this. I feel for his family too. It's just so wrong.

  5. You did the right thing, hon. You did the right thing.

    You also have every right to feel violated and yes, the violation associated with rape is a perfectly naturally feeling to be processing right now. You may not have been sexually violated through physical power, but you were violated through your own vulnerability and Bill's web of lies. Of course you feel violated and ashamed. Those feelings connect directly with the experience you've been through.

    BUT, you've done everything you can to make things right and to give Bill's wife the evidence she needs to deal with her lying, cheating, good-for-nothing, douche bag of a husband. He's no longer your problem. You did the right thing. AND, while you can't change how you feel, you need to at least hear from someone else, that you have NOTHING to feel ashamed about. You did NOTHING wrong. This is Bill's mess and his alone. Your job is simply to live and learn - to process both relationships (the marriage to STBX and dating Bill) and try to understand the red flags that are being missed so that you can prepare yourself for a great relationship with a great guy - when the time is right, and when you are ready. :)

    Good job, hon. Peace will come. For now, just keep remembering - you did the right thing even when the right thing was one of the hardest things in the world to do. Eventually that will be something that you can feel proud of. Until then, know that there are others out there that are already very proud of you.

  6. After reading this article, it hit home so hard that I sent it to a man that I've been seeing for the past 2 yrs along with a not so nice letter. He has all of the signs except paying with cash. I don't believe he's married because I've gone to his house on a few rare occasions, but he uses the excuses for not being available because he works so much. I've not met any of his family or friends. He text me 99% of the time, takes me out only when I complain enough, and has dropped in and out of my life so much over these two years that I feel like he's dropped off of the face of the earth for weeks at a time. I now believe that he's in another relationship. He immediately wrote me back and said after working 14 hrs today all that he could say is "Goodbye" and I should find somebody who doesn't work so much and works around my schedule. What an asshole, and I can't believe that I've believed this jerk and stayed with him all this time.

    1. Never make someone a priority if, to them, you are only an option!

      I am so sorry to hear that you've been strung along by some jerk for so long. You can only go up from here though. Good for you for finally kicking the scumbag to the curb. You should feel proud of yourself!

  7. I feel for you and also understand why you had to explain your side. I have seen it over & over this scenario and it turns my stomach. The married couples know they have problems (they do and I don't believe anyone who says they don't) they choose to ignore them and then dump them out here in our world. They are a disgrace to their community, families and children(if any). Why don't they take responsibility for their actions or lack of them, get a divorce, separate and make it legal. Let us woman out in the world remain unaffected by a married woman who allows a man to lead a double life or stop a married man dead in his tracks from leading a double life. It's terrible, a terrible trend that has been allowed for over 20 years(from what I have witnessed)and we as woman have no legal standing. We are considered the bad ones or the home-wreckers? You need a license to marry, it needs to be legal, so therefore it carries responsibility! Married couples need to be held accountable for wrecking OUR homes, OUR lives, affecting OUR children and most of all? WE build our morals, character, values and don't deserve to have them torn down by inept or irresponsible parties...

  8. This blog made tears well up in my eyes, because I have such a deep appreciation for the remorse and genuine care you have expressed in a situation that was never your fault. I come from the other side of this story--I was in a relationship for many years where I found out, more than once (shame on me), that my partner was the person living the double life. I was so angry, at first, at the "other women." I believed all the lies. But then, it's amazing what our gut instincts do--I knew deep down I was being lied to. So, like you, with my hands shaking, I found the courage to write these women, and I discovered they had been completely lied to and had flat out asked if my partner was "single." I guess the only reason I'm writing is to thank you--thank you for standing up for your morals, even when it required pain and potential humiliatation. As a woman who has been cheated on, I know that my greatest appreciation has been in hearing the truth from the other women. It gave me my first opportunity ever to validate my own hell and confront my partner with courage and assurance that I was not crazy. I'm still recovering, which is how I landed on this blog today, but your post gives me hope in the goodness of people out in the world.

  9. I just recently discovered I was the other woman. I am devastated I let someone come live in my world that had nothing but lies and deceit. What's even more twisted is he just had his mom and me meet. Just in July I miscarried our son at 8 months. This had been going on for 15 months unbeknowest to me. I know in time I can get over it. Yet his daughter's mother doesn't even know what is going on with him. I can only hope she never has to know the pain I feel at this point.

  10. Not only is your lover morally bankrupt, but his mother is,too. If my married son wanted to introduce me to his " girlfriend", I would probably smack him in the head. Whether or not I liked his wife and mother of my grandchild, participating in HIS infidelity is reprehensible. You deserve a better man AND mother-in-law.


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