Wednesday, March 7, 2012

What breaks my heart the most

The current situation: Navigating Joint Custody with a Jerk.

Photo credit:
(This book is in my Amazon shopping cart, just waiting for me to scrape together the extra funds to actually purchase; yes, I am that broke these days)

Admission: I need to find a rest stop on this journey. Immediately.

I'm just about five months into this long-ass separation and frankly, I'm reaching my stress threshold and feeling very emotionally drained.  Having a STBX that is not only a douche canoe, but that is also completely uncooperative and unreasonable, is costing me time, money and emotional and physical strength. Time and money I don't have and strength I can not afford to lose.

There is no escape from the fuckery. Not yet, anyway. Wherever my wonderful future is, it seems very far away right now. Like a blip on a very far off horizon.

Given that the STBX is untrustworthy and manipulative, I anticipated our divorce being high-conflict early on in our marriage, well before I even gave leaving serious consideration. The fear of having to go through what I am now going through is undeniably what kept me hanging on to our broken marriage much longer than I should have. Thankfully, that fear was fleeting versus paralyzing.

Unfortunately knowing is only half the battle and, with the STBX, every single thing is a battle. I am trying to not let his douchery get the best of me (because that is exactly what he wants, let's not forget), but I seriously just need a fucking break from the insanity of it all.  What he is putting me through is pretty much what he threatened to put me through if I left him all those months ago, and for probably the first time in his life he is doing everything in his power to try and keep his word.

Why? One word: revenge.

By exhausting me through lengthy, costly, conflict over every issue, while he stonewalls, is uncooperative, dishonest and withholding of information, he is trying to ruin me financially and emotionally. This is his way of making me "pay" for leaving. Classic narcissistic behavior. Not to mention, disgusting and despicable!

The thing taxing me the most about it all? The issue keeping me up at night, at war with insomnia, despite being utterly exhausted?

Our son is not his father's number one priority. 

For the haters record, I'm not alleging that the STBX does not care about or that he doesn't love our son.  That is not what I am saying at all, so take a deep breath. Instead, his actions speak volumes that he loves himself more. That fact alone is why he is deserving of the name "douche canoe". When evaluating his behavior, choices and attitude over the last five months, him being a douche canoe more often than not is pretty obvious to anyone with an IQ over 65 that's not blinded by direct emotional entanglement (yes, I see you haters from the other side!).

For five months now, the STBX has done nothing but inflict harm, stress, hardship and anything else he can think of on me, the mother of his child.  His desire to seek revenge for me leaving, even though it was his behavior and poor choices that ultimately drove me away (scared for my life, I might add), is more of a priority for him than our son's best interests and well-being.

Unfortunately, this is all really not that surprising to me. The man threatened to kidnap our child so I would "never see him again" when we were first separating. He also threatened to choke me in front of our child so that he would know what a "cunt" I really was. Only douche canoes make those sorts of threats.

Expected or not, surprising or not, ... it is still really painful and hard for me to accept. The child that will ultimately be hurt in the end is mine. As his mother, my heart just breaks for him.

As a parent, I can not empathize with anyone that puts their own selfish needs over their innocent child(ren)'s.  The pain of having to deal with my son having a vengeful and vindictive father is a thousand times worse than both the pain of realizing our marriage was a complete and utter failure, and not-to-mention mistake, and the grief of leaving it.


  1. Oh girl, I'm so sorry for all of this. Your STBX does sound like a narcissist. Though he may love his son, he doesn't know how to see beyond himself. Sadly, you're having to suffer the brunt of all of his self-hatred... because that's what it really is.

    You sound so strong, still, throughout all of this. Leaving a narcissist is no easy task. Make sure you have a wonderful support system and whatever you do, do not engage.

    Sending loads of prayers.

    1. "Do not engage" is awesome advice.

      Truthfully, my biggest FAULT or weakness through this whole ordeal is that because I am emotional, while also being in total "defense-mode", I engage. He creates conflict, and I have a hard time not reacting with more conflict.

      I'm learning to avoid engaging ... but it is really hard. Esp. when we have things we have to communicate about regularly and we are expected to co-parent amicably ... it is so hard!!

  2. Took the words out of my mouth. I think our ex's must be related bc they act so similarly. My therapist told me that my ex sees our daughter as a "possession" and no more. He never created that bond with her. He uses her as a paen to hurt me. Outwardly he is acting this way bc he 'loves her so much' but his actions show his true character. The best advice I ever got was to stop engaging, it takes 2 to fight. Quit trying to get him to understand, he never will. Quit trying to get him to see its his fault, he will never see it that way. Its such a hard battle, I know. Take all emotion out of the communication you have with him.


  3. *pawn - He uses her as a pawn to hurt me.

    1. Disengaging completely is my new goal. I'm finally starting to just accept that he will never understand, he will never take responsibility for his actions and he will probably never stop trying to cause havoc in my life.

      To him, I'm the one that uses our son as a "pawn" whenever he is faced with me seeking protection for our son from his negative, harmful and selfish behaviors. Um, no that's called being a mother. *shakes head*

  4. agreed with everyone else. disengaging is the key. he's still getting the attention he wants from you. negative attention is still attention. so...the best thing to do is just remove yourself from the conflict as best you can.

    easier said than done...

    1. Totally easier said than done! But, not impossible.

      I'm coming up on the 6 month mark of leaving him and I'm finding disengaging just gets easier as time goes on. :)


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