I feel like I've been shot in the head and my brains are splattered all over ...
Douche Canoe numero dos ... 5 months after meeting him, and just over 2 months after dating him "exclusively", or so I thought, and I find out that he's a) MARRIED and b) a total head case.
I had thought that if I took it slow with someone, waiting it out as just friends first for awhile .. well, I thought that I would know enough about the person to be able to make a wise decision about whether or not I should get romantically involved. So, we met and I waited it out. I took my time. I felt out the situation with the STBX (he put up a dating profile, so that pretty much sealed the divorce-deal right there), I took my time with how I was handling all of that through the holidays and I even discussed the matter with my attorney. I thought (mistakenly, obviously) that after two whole months of things being causal and that by taking the necessary precautions, well I friggin' thought I was carefully moving ahead with things; and so, as you all know, I opened up my life and heart. As far as I could tell, it had wonderful written all over it.
I obviously thought wrong.
He's fucking MARRIED.
How could I not know?
Um, probably because he didn't tell me? Instead, he told me that he is a single dad that had never been married EVER, that had only dated the mother of his child for a short while when she got pregnant and that he had sole custody of their child because she was an "unfit" mother with a drinking problem.
I have almost thrown up about five times today. It is sickening. My marriage and the subsequent demise of the same was bad, but what I have become aware of in the last 14 hours makes my own hell look like a cake walk in comparison. The STBX is a pathological liar, yes. He has issues. But, as much of a douche canoe that he is, I am almost certain that he didn't carry on an emotional and physical affair with another woman while we were together. And I am 100% certain that he never brought our baby out with him on a date with another woman or to another woman's house.
Yes, you're inferring that correctly.
The man brought his baby girl to my house and out with us on a lunch date.
It is one thing to cheat on your wife. Married men do it all the time; we all know this and I am well aware. It is a whole different level of WRONG, however, when you dupe a newly single woman going through a divorce into thinking that you are single, available and everything she's ever hoped for such that she becomes the "other woman" unknowingly. Then, it progresses to pure insanity to involve an innocent, less than two-years old, baby.
Friends and family have been extending their condolences and sympathies to me today and I keep telling them that it is okay. I will be okay. If I have learned anything at all through leaving a pathological liar the first time, its that it is easier to let go of your feelings and all of the hopes and dreams you built up with someone when you find out that the "love" you shared was predicated on bullshit and standing on a foundation of lies.
Granted, it has taken me a while to move on from the STBX. We were together for six years total, had gotten married and even had a child together. Sometimes, I still don't think I'm completely over it because of the fact that we do have a child together, but whatever the case may be on my feelings for him, I do know that I made the right decision in leaving him and that's where I find my comfort.
But this assclown? This Mr. Handsome turned Mr. Lying-Married-Scumbag? -- Bill Cooper, yes I'm talking about YOU --- yeah, it won't take me very long to recover from the blow of realizing everything I felt for you may have been real on my end, but it wasn't real on yours. And for that, I say good riddance.
I don't feel sorry for meeting you and subsequently falling for you only for you to turn out to be a pathetic, poor excuse for a husband and father.
What I am sorry for is the hurt you have caused me. I am also especially sorry for the hurt you have caused your wife and for the fact that I, unknowingly, played a part in that.
I have learned your wife's name and that she is thoroughly freaked out and reeling right now. I have also learned that your parents believe that I should reach out to her, even if she isn't receptive, but I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment. So my public blog is as far as I'll go right now. I don't know if I can keep it just to here in the future.
What I do know is that my heart breaks for her. I wish I could take all of her hurt and pain away.
I wish I could fix it for you, Vicky (if you ever read this). I wish you could please understand how very sorry I am. I did not know that he was married and I have the e-mails and texts to prove it if you want them. I pray that you find the courage and strength to file for a divorce and move on with your life. Because, ultimately, no one should have to live their life being so utterly betrayed and disrespected by their spouse.
As for me, I'm stunned, shocked and humiliated and just trying to grapple with the cosmic messages I'm being sent in all of this. I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason, so I'm chalking this up to another learning experience, as I always do. Maybe this happened to teach me that although I may understand love better these days, and although I have more confidence in establishing my boundaries, I still have a lot to learn?
What do you do when you find that you've fallen for a pathological liar WHILE getting divorced from a pathological liar?