Tuesday, March 27, 2012

When you find out he's married

I feel like I've been shot in the head and my brains are splattered all over ...

Mr. Handsome? 

Douche Canoe numero dos ... 5 months after meeting him, and just over 2 months after dating him "exclusively", or so I thought, and I find out that he's a) MARRIED and b) a total head case.

I had thought that if I took it slow with someone, waiting it out as just friends first for awhile .. well, I thought that I would know enough about the person to be able to make a wise decision about whether or not I should get romantically involved. So, we met and I waited it out. I took my time. I felt out the situation with the STBX (he put up a dating profile, so that pretty much sealed the divorce-deal right there), I took my time with how I was handling all of that through the holidays and I even discussed the matter with my attorney.  I thought (mistakenly, obviously) that after two whole months of things being causal and that by taking the necessary precautions, well I friggin' thought I was carefully moving ahead with things; and so, as you all know, I opened up my life and heart. As far as I could tell, it had wonderful written all over it.

I obviously thought wrong.

He's fucking MARRIED.

How could I not know? 


Um, probably because he didn't tell me? Instead, he told me that he is a single dad that had never been married EVER, that had only dated the mother of his child for a short while when she got pregnant and that he had sole custody of their child because she was an "unfit" mother with a drinking problem.

I have almost thrown up about five times today.  It is sickening. My marriage and the subsequent demise of the same was bad, but what I have become aware of in the last 14 hours makes my own hell look like a cake walk in comparison.  The STBX is a pathological liar, yes.  He has issues.  But, as much of a douche canoe that he is, I am almost certain that he didn't carry on an emotional and physical affair with another woman while we were together. And I am 100% certain that he never brought our baby out with him on a date with another woman or to another woman's house.

Yes, you're inferring that correctly.

The man brought his baby girl to my house and out with us on a lunch date.

It is one thing to cheat on your wife. Married men do it all the time; we all know this and I am well aware. It is a whole different level of WRONG, however, when you dupe a newly single woman going through a divorce into thinking that you are single, available and everything she's ever hoped for such that she becomes the "other woman" unknowingly.  Then, it progresses to pure insanity to involve an innocent, less than two-years old, baby.

Friends and family have been extending their condolences and sympathies to me today and I keep telling them that it is okay.  I will be okay. If I have learned anything at all through leaving a pathological liar the first time, its that it is easier to let go of your feelings and all of the hopes and dreams you built up with someone when you find out that the "love" you shared was predicated on bullshit and standing on a foundation of lies.

Granted, it has taken me a while to move on from the STBX. We were together for six years total, had gotten married and even had a child together. Sometimes, I still don't think I'm completely over it because of the fact that we do have a child together, but whatever the case may be on my feelings for him, I do know that I made the right decision in leaving him and that's where I find my comfort.

But this assclown? This Mr. Handsome turned Mr. Lying-Married-Scumbag? -- Bill Cooper, yes I'm talking about YOU --- yeah, it won't take me very long to recover from the blow of realizing everything I felt for you may have been real on my end, but it wasn't real on yours. And for that, I say good riddance.

I don't feel sorry for meeting you and subsequently falling for you only for you to turn out to be a pathetic, poor excuse for a husband and father.

What I am sorry for is the hurt you have caused me. I am also especially sorry for the hurt you have caused your wife and for the fact that I, unknowingly, played a part in that.

I have learned your wife's name and that she is thoroughly freaked out and reeling right now. I have also learned that your parents believe that I should reach out to her, even if she isn't receptive, but I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment. So my public blog is as far as I'll go right now. I don't know if I can keep it just to here in the future.

What I do know is that my heart breaks for her.  I wish I could take all of her hurt and pain away.

I wish I could fix it for you, Vicky (if you ever read this). I wish you could please understand how very sorry I am.  I did not know that he was married and I have the e-mails and texts to prove it if you want them.  I pray that you find the courage and strength to file for a divorce and move on with your life. Because, ultimately, no one should have to live their life being so utterly betrayed and disrespected by their spouse.

As for me, I'm stunned, shocked and humiliated and just trying to grapple with the cosmic messages I'm being sent in all of this.  I am a firm believer in that everything happens for a reason, so I'm chalking this up to another learning experience, as I always do. Maybe this happened to teach me that although I may understand love better these days, and although I have more confidence in establishing my boundaries, I still have a lot to learn?

What do you do when you find that you've fallen for a pathological liar WHILE getting divorced from a pathological liar? 

37 comments:

  1. I don't know what you do in this situation... but I'm sending you all the love and hugs and support I've got!

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    1. Thanks so much. It took two days for the shock to wear off enough that I could even muster coming back here to read my comments!

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  2. I am mad with you. You are a strong woman to offer to make what you can right. Reaching out to his family is very honorable of you.

    You had no control over his lies and falling for him but you can control how you handle this. You are doing the right thing.

    I am so sorry you and his wife had to go through this. You both deserve so much better.
    Starting over wonderful is hard but do not give up!

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    1. Shock is wearing off; anger is now setting in.

      Since writing, I have reached out and offered up my evidence that I was an unsuspecting victim in all of this. It was probably the hardest thing I have done next to packing up my entire life, along with my baby, and leaving my own cluster-fuck of a marriage.

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  3. I am so so sorry. This is just awful news to find out, for you, for his wife and for his child. I can't believe he brought his child over either! ((hug))

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    1. Thank you. And yes, to the level of con-artist that he went to, involving his child ... THAT is the part that I am most disturbed by. Especially since I am a mother. He makes the STBX look like saint which is just mind boggling to me. Jesus.

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  4. I, for one, think that you should contact Bill's wife. I have been in her shoes (only the woman that my husband cheated with knew perfectly well that he was married as she attended are freakin' wedding). But, in your situation, she WILL take solace in your apology, in hearing that you truly didn't know that he was married and that you are appalled by his behavior. She also needs to know that he is taking their baby on his adventures. She needs to be able to at least attempt to protect her baby girl from that because it won't be long before that little girl can remember well what she is witnessing. She also needs your emails. She needs that proof - for herself and to confront her husband, because he most certainly has spun himself a tall tale (likely about how you seduced him and such). She knows in her heart that he's lying his ass off, but give her the EVIDENCE. The black and white evidence of my husband's affair was what made it truly real for me - and what made him fully accountable. You can't run from black and white. You can't run from your own written words.

    It will be tough. It's not the call or email that you want to make/write. But, his wife NEEDS you to do this for her. Don't let this douche canoe pull the wool over her eyes (likely YET AGAIN) - give her the ammo to blast him out of the water and the peace of mind to hear straight from you that you had no idea she was his wife, how sorry you are, and how hurt you also are by his actions.

    The right road is usually the narrow and least traveled.

    I'm so sorry, hon. Take some time - a long time - and just be with yourself. I know that you don't "need" a man, but that you "want" one. Yet, with all of the chaos in your life right now, it just might not be a good time for one. You need you right now. Worry about giving of yourself to another relationship later. And again, I speak from experience. Men can see vulnerability coming a mile away and divorce makes you vulnerable. Dating too closely to separation and divorce rarely turns out well. Advice? Don't even consider going on a date until the divorce decree is signed, in your hand, and you can look at it without crying. Seriously.

    Hang in there...I'm thinking about you.

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    1. Thanks, Katie. I don't plan on dating again for quite some time. Don't know if I will really wait 'til my divorce is final (as that could take longer than anticipated pending the sale of our house and any more stalling fuckery behavior dished out from the STBX that I don't have much control over), but I will not be dating again until I am healed from this recent debacle. That's for damn sure.

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  5. Phenom,

    I know that it can take a looooooong time to get through the divorce process. My own divorce took over 2 years to become final because my ex refused to sign the papers, stalled, stalked me, and on and on...and we didn't have a house or other assets to deal with, nor a child to master co-parenting.

    I didn't wait until my divorce was final to start dating and what I found was that attempting to juggle my ex's stalking, harassment, and, as you would say, total "fuckery", I wasn't able to be truly emotionally available to another man...but I was highly vulnerable. The latter part is what makes dating too soon dangerous.

    So, I speak from experience. If I could go back and tell the old me what I have learned through the experience and the years, my advice would be to spend all energy working on therapy to deal with the divorce, self-care, self-love, and waiting to date until the divorce is final. But, that is just a suggestion. Just try to listen carefully to your body, mind, and soul. It will let you know when the right time is to start dating again. My words are simply the lessons from my own experience, which is certainly different than yours. But, sometimes the suggestions of those who have walked where you are now walking can be beneficial in finding your own personal path. :)

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  6. Wow. What a douche. I'm actually physically angry thinking about some guy bringing his baby into something like that... Let alone treating his wife and then a woman going through a divorce like that.

    Sickening.

    I love that you posted this and his name and put it out there for all the world to see, lol. Good for you! You deserve way better!

    (And hopefully, if there are any future "other women" they know how to use google and will come across this)
    :P

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    1. I know, right? The whole aspect of him involving his baby just threw my right over the edge. It was the big motivational push that I needed to actually reach down to the bottom of my soul and find the courage to contact his wife.

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  7. Wow. I'm so sorry that you went through this. Hopefully his wife has the good sense to leave his lying, douche-y ass.

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    1. Last I heard, she left him. I wish her all the best and my heart still goes out to her. I've already moved on and am just chalking up the experience to complete and utter bad luck. Another lesson learned.

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  8. I'm glad I found your blog. I JUST went through this 10 days ago. Met a guy, we were friends for 9 months before embarking on anything intimate. We were intimate for another 6 months. He told me he had been divorced for 3 years and had one 10 year old daughter that he saw every weekend as he was trying to rebuild his relationship with her since the divorce. He told me his wife had left him for his infidelity. When I ran his name, I couldn't get any hits in the state where we live, but I did get a hit on his name in his hometown. So, I'm thinking everything mostly checks out. Both of us travel a lot for work and pleasure, and with our family obligations, our time was limited anyway. We talked, texted, emailed constantly. All hours. No red flags there...
    The bomb finally dropped- I caught him in a little white lie, and that unravelled everything. He had given me a completely fake identity, using the name of someone from his hometown. He was, in fact, married with 2 kids. He and his wife have been together for 20 years, married for 15. And, added bonus, all the hookups he had told me about were actually affairs he had all along. I gave him the option of him telling his wife or me telling his wife. In the end, he told her first, then gave her my number, and I told her everything I knew, including the details of the other affairs he had told me about but not her.
    I am absolutely dumbstruck as to the level of his deception. And, since we live in a fairly small town and I have a large family, I'm waiting for the fallout. My friends have been awesome (2 of them got hold of his number out of my phone and texted him that he was an idiot while we all went out the other night), but I am struggling with whether I made the right decision. Not many people can say they've gone through this... any words of wisdom?

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  9. I was in a similar situation. The person told me that he was divorced. I was introduced to his parents and sister. And 6 months later, I found out that he is still living with his wife, and married. Just called things off. I am feeling naive. All the condolences. Hang in there. You will be just fine :)

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  10. Wow, I totally understand you. At this very moment I am going through the exact situation. I just found out that the man I have been dating for six months is Married. His wife found his phone, she had doubts and read all the messages we sent to each other. She called me crying and asking questions. I replied to her and said with all respect I didn't know he's married, for all I know he has been divorced for 2 yrs. She cried and I told her to meet me so she can see my honesty. We met and shared information, both her and I felt so much weight lifted off our shoulders. I told her I wish her the best and im truly sorry from the bottom of my heart. We shook hands and went our ways. What a pathological liar and sick man to do that to her and their 3 children. I regret bring him around my daughter. Lesson learned and good case study for me considering my major in Psychology. I'm truly sorry Estella! I hope you move on and find someone who values you!

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    1. I've been reading all your heartbroken stories today trying to find some comfort in knowing that Im not the only one going through the same feelings of anguish..pain..sorrow and feeling like my self esteem and heart has been crushed. I recently broke up with a Man I thought was my soul mate...we were so in love.. so I thought...at least on my end.. I came across his photo and his wife's photo plastered all over a web page at a grand opening for a store... I downloaded the photos and sent them to his phone... He told me he was single.... living with a roommate. ..but he didn't tell me he was separated or any other info.. in two weeks before the break up..he told me he was in a nasty divorce situation and he wasn't with her when he met. me... the photos dated three months before he pursued me...so I caught him in another lie and every ounce of trust I had...was gone...I felt betrayed and humiliated...He became angry and left voicemails yelling and cursing me...including the C word...I was shocked! :(
      He wanted me to stand by him through his divorce... Im not a home wrecker...and I refuse to be used as an emotional airbag... Its hard to get over someone who you made future plans with...we spoke about getting a home..marriage..being happy...all of it... Now knowing he would get bored with me and cheat gave me enough strength to not text or call... I wish everyone true happiness and love...and know its not your fault..don't be angry with yourself.. God bless

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  11. OMG!! I can't believe I just came across this because almost the exact same thing has happened to me!! My 15 years with my husband ending in Dec. 2010 and unfortunately it has been a horrible divorce. In getting myself back in the dating game, my girlfriends told me that online dating is now another tool in the single girls tool belt...so I off I went. I thought I was careful. I took it slow and "really got to know him". He said he was single, not in a relationship in some time, not married and never had been and no children. Told me about a bunch of health issues he has (remember he is a liar, so who knows) and his excuses for things always made sense using his illness as a cover. Anyhow..after a while of getting to know him we started to see each other. In my efforts to go slow in the very beginning of all of this I dated other men and mr. liar knew this, since I am honest. One of these men and I started to get a lil serious and just as quickly fizzled. To be honest it was because I realized my feelings for Mr. Liar were stronger then I thought and made it difficult for me to mover forward with this other man. Well, when Liar found out he got upset and told me his feelings, I felt horrible not knowing how he felt and that is when things began to get more serious for me. Over 6 months of an intimate relationship where I was told I was the only one, but some of his behaviors started to make me question..so I dug around and sure enough found out he is married and has a young child!!! She is a stay at home mom!! I confronted him and he told me she knows. He wants to meet me in person to apologize where I can "see his eyes" and explain to me since there is so much I don't know about his situation. Whatever. Liar!! I don't understand why he did that and I want to understand to make it easier for me to deal with it.

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  12. BTW, I am in San Diego and his online name is AEIN...Adrian Eric Ramos. He told me his name was Eric, when in fact he goes by Adrian. Ahole.

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  13. I came across this blog by just Google-ing what to do when you find a man you are in relationship with is married?
    I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy for exactly a year until this past May. He lived in Another continent but would be in my City for work every 2 months for couple of weeks.In between we would text/call/e-mail at all times of the day/night.Things started getting weird somewhere in February and escalated in May when his firm moved the offices to another city in US. He said his emotions were getting too strong for the distance and now with his firm moving he wouldn't be able to see me as much and.. blah, blah, blah...so I stopped talking to him all together.
    Two days ago, i came across the fb profile of his wife?!?! and learned that they all have moved to this new city (on the same continent as me, just a 3h flight away) and that they have 2 girl together?!?!?
    I felt so hurt and betrayed. Although i moved on with my life and haven't even think about him for over 6 months finding out that he lied to me all that time is just heart breaking. It doesn't help that i have a trust issues to start with which he is very aware of considering that i have asked him at least dozen times (in writing too) if he is in any way involved with someone before we started dating and he always said he was single.
    Now, I am torn at what to do. I will definitely be writing to him to let him know that his brilliant plan is not so brilliant and to scare him by telling him i will talk to his wife, but should i actually talk to her??
    I have never been married, and I don't know what their situation is, and I don't want to be causing an innocent women any pain... some of my friends say i should absolutely do it, other say if she doesn't know she will not hurt... and i just don;t know what the right thing to do is.
    That's why I am here, I guess..
    She does have a right to know... but i don't know if it is me who should be telling her... Any thoughts on this would be highly appreciated .

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  14. Same situation, different man. His name is Anthony. He tore my heart apart and when I found out he was married. He never acted like he was. A woman married to a pathological liar is incredibly naive and they will stand by their man. Sad part is, I'm not the only woman he did this to and I won't be the last. I didn't think I would have ever been betrayed like this. He also stated he was divorced and had custody of his kids. Turns out, he's on his third marriage!! Wonder why???

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  15. I'm not sure if I've made a lucky escape or lost a friend right now, I've been texting a guy for a year I found out he had a' girlfriend' quite early on as he accidentally left his phone running and caught some conversation (still not sure ifthis was deliberate) I avoided him for a while and then caved in, after all we were just chatting and who knows what would happen in his 'new relationship'
    We have been chatting for a year, I don't know how she didn't notice he's always texting.
    I don't work through the week and he says he's had a knee operation so we chatted a lot and I let myself get too close.it was so much more than trying to get in my pants although sometimes we both to blame for that, I thought we would know each other forever. I told him my dating disasters but he knew I wanted to be with him.we met recently and did kiss, I know its shitty as I knew about the girlfriend.
    I did a bit of research and confronted him with what I found. He was living with a woman.
    He lied again and said yes the girlfriend moved in a few months ago because he's having a second knee op.
    I stopped texting him but let him know I think theres more to it than this.
    He came clean least I think so, I just don't know.he says he's been married for 8 years!
    Went online to chat when he was off work due to knee op.didn't realise he'd meet someone he'd get close to and really like.we text so much its taken time I could have been finding someone who could love me.
    He also said he was lonely and he'd lost friends from his younger days due to avoiding developing a drug habit with certain friends and that he misses me and his wife then me are the only ones he's ever kissed. we didn't have sex something in my head ws saying just wait.
    I do miss him as a friend but I don't know whats true and I don't want to get into a messy situation I've been there.

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  16. Unfortunately, I just experienced the same thing. We were in a relationship for an entire year and a half. He has obviously become a pro at it because we dated for 4 months before we became intimate and waited 2 months before he even kissed me. He stated that he wanted a lasting relationship and didn't want it to be based on a physical connection. He spolied me with all kinds of gifts and was a true gentle man. I fell so deeply in love with him, thinking he was my soul mate. He is in the military and asked me to marry him after he returns from his deployment. He even gave me money for a deposit on a venue. I ordered invitations and booked the date. I decided to perform a background check and didn't I get a big surprise. He is married and still lives with the wife. I have been to his house but because he lived so far from my job. He and his two year old son would stay at my house two to three times a week. I couldn't believe a person would stoop that low. Come to find out, his wife is a nurse and works crazy long hours. Off 3 days and works 4 days. So, he was basically living a double life. His relocation place after his deployment was in Texas and he asked me to move their
    once we got married. I just found out that his wife just moved their too. This man has to be crazy.
    When I confronted him via email because he is currently deployed. He stated he is getting a divorce
    and the divorce will be finalized 30 days from his return. I just don't believe this can happen to people. I'm trying not to be mad at myself for not seeing any red flags but he was so good at lying, I can't beat myself up about it. I don't think the poor wife has a clue because this man is a Pro at deceiving others.

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  17. Wow, finding this website is like a god-send. I'm in a similar situation too. I am so sorry to find this out with so many of you and my heart goes out to you in this situation- but it is a comfort to know I'm not alone.

    Met this amazing guy who has been flying into cities or whereever i am for work- seeing we're in the same industry- i didn't think anything of it- he's been to my home and met my parents and family as my partner. Has been trying to convince me he needs to set up home in my town so we can spend more time together- i insisted that i needed to spend more time in his city with his family and friends. Long story short, turns out he's married. Wife lives in a different city. My big thing is do i tell her or not? I feel utterly bad to give someone this news- but on the same token, since I've found out, he's been crying on the phone saying sorry and that he needs to fix his life that he met his soulmate in me etc etc- but i just found out he has reinvested with her in some property- so much for trying to leave his life? He's just been trying to keep me in play- I'd like to believe in the good in people and that he's confused, but the evidece has just surmounted he's a total douchebag and a compulsive liar.

    I feel utterly deceived and there has to be some justice- is it right I tell her? He's been begging not to because he will lose everything financially bc it's in her name- even that i doubt now.

    Can someone tell me their experience and what they experience when the wife finds out?

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    1. So painful, I'm so sorry. I experienced what sounds almost identical to what you went through. I would tell her...I did, as woman to woman. If tables were turned (ie. I was the wife), I would want to know!
      He made his bed, he can lie in it.

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  18. Similar situation - I had been his "girlfriend" for about a month... when we first met he said he wasn't married. The other day I came across his facebook and her facebook. Clearly married (I also have found the marriage license), profiles linked, and she is currently pregnant with his baby - with sonogram pictures and all. They also have several other children together. I have not told him that I know all of this (I don't respond to his texts anymore) and I have not contacted her. I am afraid to because a friend of mine mentioned what if she is crazy and tries to do something awful to me? Obviously I would be emailing her from an anonymous email address and I would tell her I did not know he was married and that I am no longer in contact with him since I found this out, but what if she flips out and comes after me? After looking her up, she's been in jail 4 times and I don't think I want to get involved with them. But I do feel like I want to do SOMETHING because I have been so wronged and she deserves to know and he deserves to get his ass handed to him.
    Need advice!

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    1. Yes, tell her...whether it be by a fake email or whatever. She needs to know. She can do what she wants with the information to believe you or not. Then you can move on and look back knowing that you did the right thing, and that you were the bigger better person by being truthful and honest.

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  19. Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about your story albeit its been about a year ago. We've both pretty much been through the same scenario..and at points I felt we actually might have dated the same guy.

    Yup the guy I dated Brian Richards is a womanizer and con artist as well. When we met he told he was divorced and his marriage was over but in reality, I was an escape and a pawn while he was still working out things with her and playing happy family. I know how you feel but with the increasing rates of divorce, unfortunately this scenario will become all too common.

    Take comfort in the fact that you're not 'stuck' like he is. You have the opportunity to find true happiness if you haven't already with someone who shares your values. The best revenge is truly living better. so cut off contact and if he contacts you make sure you let him know how fun your life is, how amazing your new man is and how he treats you like a queen, how he missed out on probably the best thing that happened to him (even thought it happened while he was married), how you are not in his sorry-ass situation, and all the amazing things that go with your and your new man's relationship. I got mine by having him fall in love with me, showing him what true happiness was and then .... pulling the carpet out from under him. Ouch!

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  20. Oh yah I'm hoping other women read this and are warned: If you meet a guy called Brian Richards, from a band The Fuzz, Toronto, don't believe a word he says. He's not divorced and his wife is not visiting from Mexico, he is married and his wife lives here.

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  21. HELP! Met a guy at a work conference, instant attraction. Had a great time dancing, going out to nice dinners, work events (holding hands etc even in front of guys that work for him!!!) and well sleepovers in my hotel room. Things were physical as well but not all the way. Made plans to see each other in a few weeks, took me all of 2 minutes online to see that he got married only a year and a half ago. He and his wife are very lovey and sappy with each other on their facebook pages. I was shocked and wanted to throw up, his employees must just know to keep their mouth shut. That poor woman. Hes a sociopath and a liar, its scary how cold he must be. Here's the question, do I tell her?? Keep in mind I met him at a work conference and we are in the same industry.

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    1. tell her anonymously, he won't know it came from you

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  22. I can't believe how many stories I'm finding like this. I have just gone through the same thing, dated a guy for three months who lied about his name and was living a double life with a wife out of town. I'm trying to decide if I should tell her or not. I don't want it to be because I'm angry and want him to pay, although I am...and I do...and he should.

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  23. Day 3 after finding out the man I was planning a future with is married. In shock & can barely focus. Met him 4 mos ago. Was not looking for a guy. Am 2 yrs out of a bad marriage & mom to 11 yr old, & had not dated since leaving my husband. I met Maarten, a Dutch businessman. His company opening a branch in the US near my town. Told me he has never been married-that it is too late for him to be a dad as he would not want to be older father, yet would be okay with my son. We decided to move slow as I did not want my son involved so early in a new relationship, & also his CONSTANT travel back and forth to Amsterdam and other US cities. Relationship started with learning about each other and growing very emotionally close with CONSTANT text messages, even when he was out of country. We had lovely dinners at nice restaurants when he was in town, wined & dined me and called me his "Beauty". We eventually began an intimate relationship whenever he was in town (every 2 weeks or so). We always struggle to find long periods of time together. My son with dad every other weekend, so I would always block off that time for Maarten in hopes we could try to behave as a "normal" couple for a long weekend, but he always seemed to have some business emergency that would have him flying back to the NL just when 'my weekend' would be coming up. I complained a bit and told him I want more time, but tried to be understanding. He begged my patience, said I was his future, was full of promises of how things would be for us once he got the US branch of company running-travel would be much less for him-perhaps I would be ready by then to have my son meet him etc. He spoke of how our future would be complete with type of house he wanted for us & all the European cities he would take me. Claimed to be very wealthy. His taste matched with that lie, tailored suits, expensive bottles of wine & elaborate meals at fine restaurants. Early on I googled and found him on a geneology website where learned brother's name, which led me to brother's wife’s Facebook. Didn’t tell him I had looked on internet as he has trust issues & protective of privacy. On sister-in-laws FB, I saw photos of niece & nephew. I tucked the info away & gave it no more thought. Mon nite we had great date, Tues nite was usual texts, however this time he mentioned need to go back to NL at end of week for nieces birthday. I inquired more about niece. He sent me photo of her & told me details about her in a proud way. She did not look like the same girl I had seen on FB page. I asked if niece had siblings (remembering the boy I had seen on facebook). He said she had a sister, and sent me another girls photo. I was confused but did not question it. That night I dreamed the little girls were his and that he was married. Woke in tears. Texted him & described dream, confessed to him what I had found on facebook (niece and nephew). He became defensive & angry that I had betrayed his trust & that I would put any stock into a dream. He said we should put things on hold for awhile until he gets back from NL (in 2 weeks) & that he is VERY hurt. I was crushed, embarrassed, worried I was going to lose him. Crying at work & friend inquired what was wrong. Her smarter & more in depth internet research using his name & some other details, yielded Maarten's WIFE on facebook. A wife & 2 daughters (the “nieces”). I confronted him via text, but he was now on flight back to NL. For next 8 hours while he was on plane, I raged at him via text, knowing he would receive all texts when he landed in Amsterdam. Only response for past 3 days since learning this has been a text: "Please, goodbye" & "Just know you are a wonderful woman". No further explanation. I know nothing & feel like I have no closure. We made love on Mon, I thought he was my future, I feel like I am suffering a death, a death mixed with hatred, rage, regret & oddly enough a longing for him. HELP!

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  24. Wow it's crazy how so many people go through the same situation!!!

    I just got out of a 6 month relationship. I met him on an online dating site. I never had the slightest doubt that my man was married. I knew he had a two year old daughter and although I never met her, we face timed often and he even told her to call me mummy at one point! He treated me like an absolute princess showering gifts, spending plenty of time (bear in mine these were all 'all-nighters', facetiming/calling two hours each day, etc etc bs bs bs. I introduced him to my mom who also welcomed the fact he had a child, we had planned a holiday together, we were even about to start looking for a house and mortgage together - he asked me to move in with him!!!

    Never in my wildest dream I imagined he was married !! He mentioned he was a single dad and the mother wanted nothing to do with them due to PND - also that his 'sister' was helping him raise the child.

    It's funny how much you can find out about a person on google - that's how I found out that he was married AND had two facebook accounts (one with me on it obv)

    When I confronted him, he cut the call with no response and switched off his phone the entire night and day!! THE COWARD!

    I confronted his wife and told her everything. Bless her she seemed like such an innocent housewife, from a remote village in bangladesh possibly, who has moved to the uk, who left her entire family (who dont want to see her again) to be with him since she loved him and had a child with him before getting married.

    He denied everything to her calling me a 'best' friend and that I had ten other boyfriends on the side. So I emailed her the entire evidence of my chat history with him (even the intimate details)

    After she went ape sh** on him, he called me and apologised and then started accusing me of trying to break his relationship with his daughter. when he calmed down he kept telling me how he wished hed met me before all this and started his sweet talking all over again !! Made me nuts like I wanted to throw up at his face!!!! Then he tried to emotionally win me by talking about how he doesnt know if he has a home to get back to and hes done this to himself and bad karma.

    That's not the worst part - there's a possibility I could be pregnant too, but still need to get it tested. I have no idea what I'm going to do in case I am. I did discuss an abortion with him but he avoided that topic and just said hed support the child a hundred percent (I know that's a lie) At one point I was dreaming about kids with him because I loved him and his relationship with his daughter, and now, I'm dreading having a father like that to my potential child.

    I hope Im wrong and not pregnant. If im not hes asked me to withdraw what I said to his wife (no way in hell am i doing that) but if I am, mine and my babies life is ruined.

    Any suggestions of what to do is welcome.

    My advise is that no matter how hard it is on the wife - she should know the entire truth without a doubt - eg if i have a child itll be harder for her later on to know about it! But as mentioned in a previous reply, it removes a big burden off your shoulders.

    Good luck to everyone whos going through this - just be strong and be happy that you can get through this.

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  25. Phenom
    I just saw this blog.
    My heart goes out to you, as I am going through the same situation myself.
    I also thought I found Mr. Wonderful, I was very careful with whom I dated, My last relationship of over 2 years to a lawyer cheated on me and took large sums of money from me, so I was ever so careful in my choosing.
    So I thought being friends with this man first was the way to go, he worked were I own my condo, so I thought I was safe.
    After several months of friendship, we started a loving or I thought relationship.
    He pushed with the love word first, and pursued me into mutual feelings.
    We had plans of purchasing a larger condo and a future together.
    He went back to Canada where he is from and still has property for a few weeks, he called me everyday, sent text messages for weeks.
    Then nothing, next I get a email that he is ill, i nearly died as I didn't even know where he was.
    Finally he sent a text saying he was fine but mentally having a difficult time, my gut was telling me something was then wrong, as WHY couldn't he call?
    It was then that I figured that he was with someone else, he was insulted by my not trusting him enough.
    So I just gave him the space he said he needed.
    Next I was looking at his face-book page and a name appeared way to many times with likes etc.
    I went to her page and low and behold he wasn't in Canada at all working through his mental problems he was in Thailand getting MARRIED to a girl 30 years younger.
    I was beyond sick over this, my first thought was to get myself checked for any diseases he might have brought me, second I sincerely felt bad for this girl that he married, I would never have started or been in a relationship with anyone that was already spoken for, he knew that.
    It seemed he had been engaged to her for awhile, I don't know if they meant on the internet, or if she is a mail order bride, but photo's show them in Thailand a months before he meant me.
    I can not understand why anyone would take a good person and hurt them the way it seems some of these guys do.
    I don't know if it is up to me to tell her, I would not do it out of spite, or to hurt her, I only wish someone would have told me before I was emotionally destroyed.

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