Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear Son: You were not a mistake, but marrying your father was.



The above image is only half-serious. It sure makes me giggle. Anyway, on to the real meat and potatoes of this post ... 


To my sweet, silly and cheeky baby boy,

Soon enough, it will no longer be appropriate for me to refer to you as my baby. But I probably will anyway 'til the day I die.  If it embarrasses you, frankly that's too bad. If my own mother taught me anything at all about motherhood, it's that part of my job is to make sure you suffer complete and utter embarrassment on my behalf from time to time.  If you hold it against me, I know that such antics will only be temporary. You'll come back around.

(Note: I have confidence in that theory now, but please feel free to reassure me that you will always be mine and dear to my heart on occasion during the retched teenage years, okay?)

I can hardly believe that in just a few days, you'll be 19 months old. It seems somewhat crazy to accept that it has been more than a year and half since you came into this world, screaming your head off, one late afternoon in the early days of September 2010.  After days and days of non-progressive labor, you finally arrived (and with great protest, I might add). You were both feisty in a demanding sort of way, and observant in a genius sort of way, right from the start. I beamed with pride immediately and I haven't stopped since.

Every day you do something that makes me smile. Every day you do something that makes me proud. Every day you do something that reminds me of how much I love you.

I love you more than I could ever put into words. As you know, I am a woman with plenty to say 99% of the time, so to say that I am at a loss as to how I may articulate just how much I love you should put my adoration into some sort of comprehensible perspective for you. It is indescribable just how much I love you. It is overwhelming.

I love you more than you'll ever know. You may have an idea someday, if you should ever have children of your own, but I don't think you'll ever fully grasp just how much I live and breath for you simply because I am your mother and you are my son.  A mother's love is the most profound and life changing experience one could ever have and I am grateful to be so blessed.

You are the reason why I do not regret marrying your father.

I love you enough to always try and be honest with you, as much as your age and critical thinking abilities permit anyway; I strongly feel that it is my duty as your mother to not shield you from certain truths about this life we are each so very blessed to live.

I hereby vow to always tell you that marrying your father was indeed a complete and utter mistake on both of our parts, but that regardless of that mistake, you weren't anything but a profound gift with a purpose. You were brought here for a reason. You were also very much wanted, wished for and prayed for. Yes, your father and I did love each other at one time, but for all of the wrong reasons and our relationship was not good for either of us. We were just not a good match and trying to stay together would have been detrimental to all three of us.  I hope someday you can forgive us.

Marriage is meant to be forever, but sometimes people make mistakes when it comes to choosing who to spend forever with.  In my experience, it is better to own up to one's mistakes than hide from them (or behind them).

This is a truth about life I hope to never shield you from. Because, in my experience (again), it seems to always turn out better in the end when we are left to grapple with the truth from day one without ever having to deal with the confusion of mistruths, lies and misrepresentations of what is real.

Unlike a mother's love for her child, sometimes other kinds of love (romantic and otherwise) can be anything but pure, right and good. I want you to know this only because I hope that in knowing, you can maybe avoid making the same mistakes as your parents when choosing a mate for life. Divorce is something that I don't wish on anyone, least of all you and I will fight for you with all I have in me as your mother to try and raise you to be wiser, stronger and more self aware than I was when it comes to matters of the heart.

Above all, I hope that you'll always know that I carry your heart in my own, my dear son. I love you and because I love you, I will try my very best to always tell you the truth. Even when the truth is hard. Even when the truth isn't fair.

I just love you that much.

Where there is truth, there is always love.

6 comments:

  1. I love it...well put. And about those teenage years...make a paper copy so before the teenage "I don't even know you never mind love you"...when the pre-teen "I hate yous" start, then you can whip it out and say but I love you...see...lol On top of that...you can do it in the presence of his friends...just to get some good embarrassment in !!
    In all seriousness it's very good and your true feelings...who could ask for more.

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    1. Thank you. My little booger has been extra affectionate lately and last night after his bedtime routine, I just had to write down some of my emotions before I could drift off to sleep myself ... Reading this post back this morning I got all chocked up. I just love my kid so much. I will do all I can to make sure he knows that no matter what else happens in our lives.

      Being a mother is the best thing I could have every asked for. I am truly blessed, despite the divorce.

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  2. Love. This. Post.

    Just keep on loving and calling him baby, no matter what!

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  3. Shed a tear reading this. I have been separated for a year and 3 months now, and I always think about how to tell my six-month old daughter about why her father and I didn't make it...and this piece has given me the courage to do so (when the day comes).

    Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Like I mentioned in response to a comment on a more recent post (Dumb Marriage vs. Smart Marriage), it is comments like these that make my heart swell with pride for having the confidence to share my story publicly. Thank you for speaking up and I am so very grateful to have been able to motivate you and provide you with courage to always be true to yourself and to your baby!! Love!!

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