Monday, April 2, 2012

Six months of separation later

Let your past make you better, not bitter. And also, for the heart that can still love even after its been broken is the strongest heart still, no? 

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In a few days, it will be six months since the day I knew it was over.  Some might think that these months may have dragged on and on, but in reality the time flew by in a flash. I would like to think that's because I've been thoroughly busy starting over wonderful. Or something. I've at least been busy as all hell adjusting to life as single working mother who's also celebrating a new lease on life.  I hope the next six months go by just as swiftly as the last six months have because I can not wait to be legally done with the STBX. In all other aspects, besides the legal ones, I am officially done. If you have a fork, please feel free to jab me with it and turn me over.

I have moved on. 

I have grieved (most of which I did while still in my marriage), yes ... but I've also let go of what was and I am finally at peace with a majority of what led me to where I am today.

I've forgiven the STBX for what was done and I've forgiven myself for my own contribution to the debacle that was our relationship.

Forgiveness really is freeing. And it feels,

I'll admit that initially, I was in total survival mode. Packing up our home, and our child, and moving back to my home state after living so far away with the STBX for almost seven long years took a lot out of me. For the first few weeks of our separation, I put all I had into merely surviving the ordeal. It was almost like those first few weeks home from the hospital with a newborn; you're kind of on auto-pilot and just going through the motions sleep-deprived, bleary-eyed, never eating enough and trying to just function without simply collapsing (or driving into a tree). October of last year is therefore, sort of a blur to me.

I do remember the pain. And the anger. Let's not gloss over that.

I spent a majority of last year -- the nine months leading up to our separation and then the first weeks of it -- paralyzed by the overwhelming and crippling agony over the loss of everything we had built together for so many years.  Surprising to many, it was allowing myself to really feel the anger I had built up inside of me from dealing with all that pain that fueled my desire to finally just throw my hands up and leave him. Instead of feeling guilty for my own emotions towards him and regarding our dysfunctional existence, I just accepted it and with that acceptance, I decided to change it.

I was that mad.

I had to get pissed enough to get out. From what I've gathered from many divorce support websites and blogs, that's really not all that typical. I am not typical in general, so I guess I am not that surprised that my survival and subsequent recovery here fails to mimic similar tribulations of my peers.

Around the time that our son turned one, I was so angry on a daily basis I could hardly think straight any more. It was debilitating. I was angry that he lied to my face on a regular basis. I was angry at the months we had spent in marriage counseling accomplishing zero progress. Most of all, I was angry at myself for marrying someone so utterly wrong for me in the first place.  It took getting angry enough for me to finally leave. Some people may expect the anger to come after leaving, in the midst of separation and divorce; but for me, it took leaving for the anger to finally start to dissipate.

Sure, I get ticked off when the STBX pulls some legal stunt and stalls the divorce process or the sale of our home. And, of course, it is infuriating trying to co-parent with a douche canoe that makes even settling visitation schedules and contingencies a nightmare in itself. But, being angry about the failure that was my marriage was over and done with long before I walked into this new year with a better, not bitter, perspective about where I have been and where I am now heading.

Six months of separation later and I am happy to report that the agony no longer grips me like a vice and I've since let go of the anger. I may be 25 pounds lighter physically from the realities of the "divorce diet", but I am also 2,500 pounds lighter emotionally.

Starting over wonderful doesn't seem so far off when I think about it like that. Bring on the next six months!


  1. Well good for you. I'm glad you have found a kind of peace and are looking forward to the future. I'm not there yet, but I'm glad to hear that you are.

    1. Oh hun, our experiences are so much the same but also so different. Our recovery and rate of acceptance and then release is bound to be very different. Take comfort in the fact that you WILL get there. I promise. It takes time and experience. I believe you'll get there sooner than you think. Hang in there. And keep writing. I love your blog! If anything, it has got to help with the whole "processing" aspect of this.

  2. I am so glad anger doesn't grip you nearly as much as it has before. That's a huge first step, getting past the anger and grief stage to rebuilding. That six months may have been your hardest yet, but that's the beauty of's not past you and you've gained so much strength. Keep healing, keep looking forward. you got this.

    1. It is the most surprising part of all of this to me actually; the whole "letting go" of the anger part and how easily that part has transpired. I expected to be really angry after leaving him. But, low and behold, trying to fix our broken relationship was what was making me so angry in the first place. In the last year of our relationship, he had me believing I was this miserable, angry, impossible to please bitch ... turns out I am NONE of those things now that I am free from living a life with him. Yay!

      Thank you so much for reading, as always. I appreciate your support, kind words and I hope you know how much I admire YOU, my dear. You are truly one of MY heroes.


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